Last night, Bachelor In Paradise premiered. What is Bachelor In Paradise? Bachelor In Paradise is a televised game in which rejected cast members of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette enter the reality-show definition of “paradise,” in which your 15 minutes of fame is virtually endless as long as Chris Harrison is still breathing, which, if ABC’s research and development division has anything to do with it, will be forever.
Technically, though, Bachelor In Paradise is actually fairly complicated. There are 25 contestants in total, but last night’s premiere only introduced 14 of them—eight women and six men—in “paradise,” apparently located somewhere in Tulum, Mexico. At the end of each episode, the six men each give a rose to one woman, and the two leftovers will be banished
forever until Bachelor In Paradise 2. And because of course it does, this show comes with a twist: Every week for seven weeks, either two new men or two new women (depending on who went home last week) will be introduced to the show, while at the end of that same episode, two people of the opposite sex will be sent packing. There’s no information as to what will happen if two dudes want to give a rose to the same woman or vice versa, which seems to be something that would occur in a reality show such as this, so I suppose we’ll all just have to tune our television sets on to ABC next week at 8/7c like dutiful Americans! (Warning: This show is two fucking hours long.)
Yes, we have done this very scientific and not-stupid-at-all experiment once before, but this time, it’s different. This time, there are both ladies and gents to compare, and since they’re already famous in an “I-was-televised-while-drunkenly-weeping” kind of way, there’s a lot more Internet dirt on them, which will provide even more insight into their general Brooklyn-ness.
Without further ado, we will start with Least Brooklyn:
22. Christy Hansen, Chicago, IL (Juan Pablo’s season)
Bambi Christy is super quiet and thus was swept away by a mere gust of wind on Week Three. Even more boring than Candy Christy’s personality, however, is her job (marketing manager) and the fact that Adam Sandler is her favorite actor. Her favorite actor.
21. Zack Kalter, Los Angeles, CA (Desiree’s season)
Zack showed up to meet Des while wearing a tuxedo and sneakers, the male equivalent of a bride wearing cowboy boots under her wedding dress. Not Brooklyn.
20. Jackie ??, ?? (Sean’s season)
We forgot about Jackie. Next.
19. Cody Sattler, Chicago, IL (Andi’s season)
Last time, we admonished Cody for responding to the question, “Do you have any tattoos?” with, “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Mercedes =).” He also said, “I really enjoy pleasing the girl I am with,” and, on being in a band: “How cool would it be to control an entire crowd with the power of your voice!” both of which are things sociopaths say.
18. Elise Mosca, Los Angeles, CA (Juan Pablo’s season)
Elise, a first-grade teacher, refused to pose nude during one sadist producer’s idea of a fun photo shoot date with Noted Asshat Juan Pablo, because as previously stated, Elise is a first-grade teacher. But this is New York City, and we’re pretty sure most parents would be totally cool with their child’s first-grade teacher having posed nude in the past, just as long as her standardized testing track record is in the 98th percentile or whatever.
17. Dylan Petit, Boston MA (Andi’s season)
We kind of feel bad about the fact that last time, we made fun of Dylan for probably puking at daytime Red Sox games, but please, someone tell us that this is not a fair assessment.
16. Ben Scott, Dallas, TX (Desiree’s season)
Ughhhhhhhhh Ben sucked so much. He used his adorable, yet ultimately doomed son to woo Des, which is surely not the least Brooklyn thing that’s ever happened, but this guy is far more Texan version of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast than Brooklyn Bro.
15. Marcus Gould, Dallas, TX (Andi’s season)
Tragically, Marcus has since moved from his adorably named town of Medicine Hat, Alberta to the less superior city of Dallas, TX. No word on whether Third Eye Blind, Enrique Iglesias and Coldplay are still his three favorite bands. For the women on this show’s sake, we hope not.
14. Graham Bunn, Los Angeles, CA (DeAnna’s season)
Graham Bunn is 36 years old and made his Bachelorette debut in 2008, which is Brooklyn Time is like, three separate waves of gentrification. Graham is the type of guy who moves to a fun, cheap neighborhood in his mid-20s then complains about it. Get out of here, Graham.
13. AshLee Frazier, Houston, TX (Sean’s season)
AshLee FraZier got preTty far in Sean’s seaSon, but everyThing aBout her was so boRing that we kind of forGot. And like many terminally boring people, AshLee started a very precious personal fashion blog. Kinda Brooklyn.
12. Michelle Money, Salt Lake City, UT (Brad’s season)
Who even remembers Brad’s season? Who is Brad? Anyway, Michelle Money describes herself as a beauty guru, so she certainly has something in common with, I don’t know, at least, like, 40 people in Brooklyn, realistically?
11. Kolan McMahon, Houston, TX (Emily’s season)
We would assume Kolan were a serial killer if his name weren’t Kolan, because dudes name Kolan don’t murder people. We could also kind of see some Brooklyn lady naming her son Kolan, though.
10. Clare Crawley, Sacramento, CA (Juan Pablo’s season)
Best known for crying to raccoons and speaking in third person, Clare also dreams of owning her own business, revealed she’d never been on vacation and said she’s not a romantic because “I’ve never experienced romance.” She also said she admires “the nobodies of the world,” all of which sounds like serious Bushwick angst.
9. Lucy Aragon, Los Angeles, CA (Juan Pablo’s season)
There is nothing that Lucy Aragon, who has since become mostly famous for being friends with the only other person on earth more associated with boobs, loves more than nudity and Native American headdresses, meaning that Lucy Aragon is a version of Brooklyn that exists only among people originally from LA, a.k.a., the “Brooklyn Girls”–Brooklyn, a kind of Brooklyn that, love it or hate it, exists somewhere, right now, in someone’s shitty loft party.
8. Sarah Herron, Los Angeles, CA (Sean’s season)
Sarah, the only disabled person on The Bachelor (she is missing part of one arm) and staunch defender of Basic Bitches, is one of the few former reality show contestants to still hold a normal-person job (she works in graphic design, possibly the most Brooklyn job of all the jobs).
7. Robert Graham, Glendale, AZ (Desiree’s season)
Like every single man in the reality show universe, Robert works in advertising, but in a very Brooklyn-y twist, his company specializes in cutesy sign-spinning. Like, Robert (or whoever Robert is paying, presumably by looking at them longingly) goes out on to the street, physically spinning advertising signs, which if it does not already occur in Brooklyn, will.
6. Lacy Faddoul, La Jolla, CA (Juan Pablo’s season)
Lacy, whom Juan Pablo dumped on the first night, named Hot Cheetos as her favorite food, and for that, she gets one zillion Brooklyn points. She also said that her favorite sports team is “whatever team is winning at that time,” which is delightfully bitchy.
5. Chris Bukowski, Washington, D.C. (Emily’s season)
Following Emily’s rejection, Chris Bukowski was last seen camping out at the Bachelor Mansion one week prior to Episode One for a chance to meet Andi, which is in real life called “being an insane person” and in Bachelor-world called… also being an insane person. Andi refused to meet with him, and Papa Harrison had to gently tell him to kindly GTFO. But since our borough is no stranger to crazies, Creepy Chris finishes on the high end.
4. Tasos Hernandez, Denver, CO (Andi’s season)
Aw, remember Tasos? Back then, all we knew about him was that he plans weddings, has a bulldog, is in a band and likes “Moves Like Jagger,” and now—well, we still don’t know that much about him, because he wasn’t given a lot of screen time last season. Regardless, as we said before, Tasos looks like a Brooklynite (those gauges, that side shave), and therefore finishes strong.
3. Danielle Ronco, St. Louis, MO (Juan Pablo’s season)
Here’s Danielle on her favorite childhood memory: “I was one of the only girls in the neighborhood, so hanging out with my older brother and his friends, riding four wheelers with friends.” Sounds more Queens than Brooklyn, but we’ll take it.
2. Brooks Forrester, Salt Lake City, UT (Desiree’s season)
Despite his doofy headshot, Brooks was by far the best contestant on Desiree’s season, which is probably why he realized he was too good for her and bailed on the last episode, leading to The Most Dramatic Bachelorette Finale Of All Time (actually, though, it did not disappoint). Anyway, Brooks’ best asset besides the ability to pull off hair gel was his sense of humor, and like most aspiring comedians of Brooklyn, Brooks’ Twitter account is replete with semi-lame, if not somewhat endearing jokes, e.g.: “Sure I know what it is like to be hungry. I’ve had a salad before.” Aw.
1. Marquel Martin, Rialto, CA (Andi’s season)
The only thing more Brooklyn than Marquel’s life-changing blazer is Marquel minus his blazer. (Drops mic.)
Follow Rebecca Jennings on Twitter @rebexxxxa.