The tradition of ranking Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants based on their pre-season head shots, which also include a teensy bit personal information (their favorite movie, “shoe size,” etc.) is one that is as beloved as it is a terrible predictor of how far contestants will get in the competition. However, this didn’t stop us from continuing to speculate wildly about the fate of the way-too-good-for-Juan Pablo Andi Dorfman and her parade of 25 very beefy, very white suitors before the season premiere next Monday.
Although none of them can claim actual Brooklynite status (which, I guess means we’re Team Mike, pictured above, the sole New Yorker this season), we will heretofore attempt to rank the contestants in terms of how “Brooklyn” they are, based on a series of measures that are definitely very, very scientific and not stupid at all.
Let’s begin, starting with Least Brooklyn:
Before the advent of “Brian,” there there was no such thing as the Anti-Brooklyn. But now we, as a public, must acknowledge the existence of “Brian,” whose favorite things are John Grisham, The Notebook, the Bible, and gelling his crew cut à la Frankie Muniz circa 2006.
Everything about Josh B.—his posture, that pastel pink oxford, flesh-colored beard and general doofiness—suggests that this Colorado telemarketer, who runs marathons and plays golf, would be better off literally anywhere but Brooklyn.
So, Marcus is from a town in Alberta called Medicine Hat, which is adorable and is worth something, at least. But naming Third Eye Blind, Coldplay or Enrique Iglesias, let alone ALL THREE as your favorite artists is not something you just throw out there on a first date and expect everyone to be cool with it. That’s something you wait six months to reveal, after you’ve already, like, booked a nonrefundable vacation.
Dylan, or Western Massachusetts incarnate, didn’t have too much going against him until the interview question, “What’s your biggest date fear?” to which he responded, “The girl being a mute and just having an awkward time.” K, Dylan. Let’s go back to puking at daytime Red Sox games.
All you need to know about Andrew is that he reads Automobile magazine and Robb Report, a “luxury goods” website that looks like the opposite of that.
Cody wants to be in a band, which is pretty Brooklyn, but he also answered the question, “Do you have any tattoos?” with, “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Mercedes =)”. 🙁
Nothing about Nick S., including the fact that he golfs (a popular trait this season), likes Family Guy and played soccer at Indiana University is “Brooklyn” besides that purple v-neck, for which Nick S. gets some points.
Josh M., who also wishes he were a golfer, isn’t particularly Brooklyn besides the three tattoos. His three desert island picks include 1) a woman, 2) a gun “to easily kill animals, and 3) “a knife to carve them up.” Yeesh.
Eric, who tragically passed away during a paragliding accident after filming the show, seems like a genuinely cool dude to have hung out with: He liked both Up and Back to the Future—plus, his occupation was simply “Explorer.” Awesome. Also, when asked, “If you could be someone else for one day, who would you be and why?” he answered, “Nick Vujicic, the man born with no arms and no legs. If I could be as happy as he is in the state he is in, I would never have another worry in my life.” Aw.
That deceptively Nathaniel P.-esque haircut is the only reason Jason, who likes Toby Keith, Deadmau5, the letters after his name, snowshoeing and spontaneous trips to Alaska is not dead last on this list.
Patrick looks like every thirty-something Brooklynite’s cousin living in Jersey, who was always more athletic, better-looking and, you suspect, slightly more loved by Grandma. Well, Patrick is on The Bachelorette now, and he is also a Random Capitalizer, which is the Worst quality a Human being can Have.
Steven, whose greatest accomplishment to date is working at a snowboarding camp, seems like a genuinely nice dude but in a very West Coast–ish, Gerard Butler–appreciating kind of way. He’s got a sense of humor, though: When asked, “What will you not do for love,” he responded, “I won’t switch my cell phone carrier because I am grandfathered in with unlimited data.” Aight, Steven. Aight.
Here’s another case in which the haircut (and the fact that he’s a hairstylist) is pretty Brooklyn, but the rest is not. Has anyone in Brooklyn ever claimed We’re the Millers to be their favorite movie? Does Jason Sudeikis even admit to being in that movie?
Craig from Defiance, Iowa is by far the best contestant this season, solely for his interview answers. For “What was your most embarrassing moment?” he replied, “Dressing as a stripper and stripping for my uncle’s 50th birthday! OUCH!” And then, “What’s your worst date memory?” he said, “Puking on her =(” Craig is the reason reality shows exist, and for that, we thank him.
Pink shirt-and-flannel-wearing Rudie is in a band and listens to the Talking Heads, but his Jack Johnson fandom smells just a little too strong: He’s a “long walks on the beach” type and referred to the Dalai Lama as “a rad and super-happy dude!”
Tasos looks like a Brooklynite, and he also plans weddings, has a bulldog and is in a band, but in addition, he made the mistake of referencing the Adam Levine song “Moves Like Jagger” in his questionnaire, and for that there is no redemption.
Aw, look at Carl, you guys. He likes lotuses and Banksy. And he’s a firefighter! He just wants a “cool gal” to hang with his bulldog, Archie.
JJ looks so much like Allison Williams that it’s difficult not to associate him with Brooklyn, but on top of that, he’s a startup guy with his own goofy job title. “Pantsapreneur”? Someone give this guy a Greenpoint boutique like, yesterday.
Emil may look like your average West Coast bro, but he’s the good kind of bro—the kind who admits to liking Love Actually, twerking and, oh yeah, BEING A HELICOPTER PILOT, which is unequivocally awesome.
Sure, Mike’s a New Yorker, but what really makes him Brooklyn-y is that he’s got an engineering degree but still works as a bartender. And minus the facial expression, hair, shirt and shirt color (Nantucket red may only be worn on Nantucket, sir), Mike actually appears to be on the smarter end of the short, albeit varied Bachelorette-contestant spectrum.
Every girl in Brooklyn has gone out with a Nick V. The colors on his plaid-button down may change, and the degree of beard thickness may vary, but as you read this, twenty other 6’2″ sales guys from Wisconsin are moving into their Williamsburg lofts right now, sending “feeler” texts to every girl they know in New York.
This Israeli beverage sales manager likes Game of Thrones and Frank Ocean, so we know he’s cool with mild homoeroticism. However, he said he’d like to be “a random dude renting jet skis on a nice island, because he’s living pretty stress-free,” which is the literal opposite of what life is like in Brooklyn.
All signs point to Bradley being this season’s Sharleen, the awesome opera singer from the last Bachelor who realized she was too good for the awful Juan Pablo and bailed. Not only is Bradley also an opera singer, but he likes Spaceballs and reads Opera News magazine. Plus, he wants to build a church “so anyone (of all religious views) can be themselves and have no fear, be encouraged to follow their dreams and let go.”
Look at Marquel’s blazer. LOOK AT IT. Only Marquel can pull off Marquel’s blazer. Also, Marquel’s typical Saturday night consists of “Netflix, cookies, and a glass of wine.”
But the Brooklyn-iest of all this season’s generally pretty un-Brooklyn Bachelorette contestants is…
We’re pretty sure Chris, an Iowan farmer who READS FARMING MAGAZINES is either the least or most Brooklyn of all the Bachelorette contestants, and the fact that we can’t tell makes us think that this Christmas-loving, Meet the Parents–watching Hipster Ken Doll just might be the future of our borough.
Follow Rebecca Jennings on Twitter @rebexxxxa