An important reminder for this otherwise inconsequential Monday morning: the winner of this year’s ‘Smallest Penis In Brooklyn’ competition is still very much out of your league. In fact, Raj Kumar—Fulbright Scholar, screenwriter, Bollywood dancer, least-endowed person in Brooklyn, and sayer of wise words such as, “Most important is love and devotion, it’s all about love,” just might be the greatest human whom you will never, ever date.
After a successful first run, the ‘Smallest Penis In Brooklyn’ competition returned for its second year to Kings County Bar this Saturday (we’d have gone, but we were far too busy Northside Festival-ing), where five very sportsmanlike gentlemen, some of whom wore masks, some (including Raj) who didn’t, competed for the coveted title, which also came with $200, a date with a pair of sisters and a visit to Pumps strip club. While there was also ‘Puzzle Master,’ who brought his very own sex slave in the form of an adult diaper–wearing ‘Puzzle Boy’ in the crowd, a guy named Rufio whose favorite food is “pussy,” a dude in a Spiderman mask, and the reportedly way-too-endowed-that-it-was-practically-cheating Twig ‘n Berries, Raj easily won over the judges by “blowing kisses and singing a Bollywood song in his endearingly thick Indian accent.”
In the swimsuit round, Raj, whose real name is Rajeer Gupta, busted out the Bollywood once again, yelling, “I’ve always wanted to be a Bollywood star, and now I’m doing it right here in Newwww Yooorkkk Cittyyy!” And in the Q&A, he told host Chicken Bitches that his favorite thing to do in bed is “kissing,” adding, “I am a certified pleasure maker,” which, according to Brokelyn, “he said in a way that somehow managed to not be creepy at all.” Other wise words included, “It’s okay, from whatever to whatever. You are what you are,” and “In India, love is placed high above sex, so size doesn’t matter. The physical is not what completes you. We’re born with what we have, and then we die.”
When he’s not busy being an incredibly talented Bollywood dancer, Raj is also an aspiring screenwriter: he’s working on a screenplay called From India to Indiana, a reference to the state where he’s spent most of his time in the U.S. after winning a Fulbright. “I believe it’s going to be a blockbuster,” he said.
Line up to the left, ladies and gents.
Follow Rebecca Jennings on Twitter @rebexxxxa