How to Choose a Religion if You’re a Godless, Hipster Heathen
Celtic Mythology
Although the Celtic people had a presence in much of northern and western Europe during their most prominent period, for our purposes, we will look mostly at the traditions that survived to a certain extent in what is, today, Ireland. The language used transformed into Gaelic, which was pretty much discouraged by the Roman Catholic Church and by the British, but has still survived in its completely impossible-to read phonetic glory to this day.
Pros:
-Feminism: Celtic mythology had battle goddess who was totally bad ass. Something that I think we should all take away from this is that much of the mythology that we’ve discussed is really not afraid to celebrate women and their strengths, both intellectual and physical. This stands in direct counterpoint to other, more prominent monotheistic religions that have routinely suppressed the rights of women for centuries.
-Cúchulainn: A Celtic hero who was extraordinarily handsome and ferocious and, according to legend, defended Ulster single-handedly against an invading force. Sure, he accidentally killed his own son, thinking that his son was an intruder, but stuff happens. Cúchulainn was even ferocious in death. Prior to dying, he insisted that he be tied to a stone so that he could die on his feet, and, once dead, his enemy tried to cut off his head, and a light came form the dead body of Cúchulainn, and the man trying to remove the hero’s head, had HIS OWN HAND CUT OFF. By the light of the dead hero’s body? I guess so!
-Drunk Fairies: I like any religion that involves fairies, but when they’re drunk? They must be even more spritely and mischievous and other fairy-like things. The clurichaun is not the same thing as a leprechaun, although they are frequently confused. Clurichauns will protect you as long as you’re nice to them, but if you’re a dick? They’ll drink all your booze and steal your stuff.
Cons:
-Spelling Errors: This might seem like a small thing, but to me it makes a big difference. I don’t know how to pronounce any of these words. None of them. This could be a problem. What if a clurichaun got pissed off at me and stole all my wine, just because I called him Charlie for short. I’d be devastated.
-Kelpies: Kelpies are beautiful mythical horses that lure unsuspecting people into riding them. Nice, right? Wrong! Once you mount a kelpie, its skin takes on Gorilla Glue-like powers and they dive to the bottom of a lake and YOU DROWN AND THEN THE KELPIE EATS YOU.
Summary:
There is a lot of beauty and a lot of terror in Celtic mythology, both of which are very appealing to me. That said, Celtic mythology is also somewhat responsible for the movie Leprechaun which is an amazing movie, but also kicked off the career of Jennifer Aniston, so it’s decidedly a mixed bag. In the end, it’s not for me. Blame Jennifer Aniston.