Horoscopes: March
Pisces | Feb 19–Mar 20
Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, Pisces! It’s the perfect time of year to tip a pint of Guinness and remind yourself that the story of St. Patrick is kind of full of shit. The Irish icon was born in Wales, and it’s pretty easy to cast out all the snakes from a country that never had any. So, don’t worry how you’re seen right now. Your myth will be bigger, weirder, faker than that.
Aries | Mar 21–Apr 19
Feeling feisty, Aries? Taking its name from the Roman god, March is a month of war. So as you find yourself zooming towards your birthday zone, teeth longing for a splash of blood, just know that it all checks out. The stars insist you take a stand! Don’t duck a fight this month, but make sure to pick a good one.
Taurus | Apr 20–May 20
Plant your feet, Taurus. The winds of change are picking up this month and might just sweep you up like a (beautiful, poignant, American Beauty-style) plastic trash bag if you’re not latched on tight to some hook or another. Go in grounded and a lightly ruffled mop is the worst to expect. Otherwise… you might wake up in some strange spots.
Gemini | May 21–Jun 21
Work, Gemini. Work, work, work, work, work. This month sees you at the peak of your professional powers, so it might be wise to consider everything else a distant second, at least for a little bit. Your peeps will still be there when you pull back, ready to pat you on the back as you wait for the arrival of the brunch you just bought ‘em with your sweet, fat stacks.
Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22
That’s right, Cancer… you thought it might never come, but here we finally are… DAWN OF SPRING IN THE YEAR OF THE FIRE ROOSTER!! As you well know, for someone born under the sign of the crab, that portends some LIT times, indeed. Smooching randos, crushing deals—the month is your oyster and this hot chicken’s got it all.
Leo | July 23–Aug 22
Oh no, Leo! That frisbee made of troubles, the one you thought you heaved far away into someone else’s emotional yard? It’s really a boomerang of sorrow with sights set on a returned thwack direct to your dome. Catch your problem, deal with it, place it back on its decorative perch before anyone gets hurt. Avoid the fate of the doomed outback kangaroo.
Virgo | Aug 23–Sep 22
Focus on Virgo, Virgo. As rewarding as it’s been to ride to the rescue of friends, coworkers, and the occasional stranger beset by Twitter trolls, now is the time to withdraw and recharge. Look to the humble tardigrade, an eight-limbed microscopic beast better known as a “water bear.” Those tiny monsters are so self-sufficient, they can survive in the vacuum of space! Be the orbiting water bear.
Libra | Sep 23–Oct 22
Be very very careful, Libra. Celestial forces have conspired this month to designate you CUTE AF. Unrequited crushes just might requite. Will you go mad with newfound power, exploding the hapless flies drawn to your halogen glow? Yes. God help them, yes.
Scorpio| Oct 23–Nov 21
Buck up, Scorpio! You’ve been in a light sulk, throwing shade from inside your drapes, so convinced that the falling rain is a personal conspiracy against your burning desire to see and be seen. But, speaking of burning… did you know that on the planet Venus, the raindrops are oft made of sulphuric acid? And what might that do to your stylish overcoat?? Read a book, bae. Seasons: turn, turn.
Sa
gittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21
Beware the Ides of March, Sagittarius! In the Shakespearean sense, that means particular caution is counselled on the 15th of the month, lest some would-be-pals come calling with a certain sharp shine in their fists. But maybe that’s too dramatic? Better to avoid the “I’d”s—butt out with the smug, unsolicited advice that’ll make your friends want to get a good stab in.
Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
Head down, horns up, Capricorn. No matter what dumb thing blocks your path this month, be it a stubborn thorn bush, a rocky crag, or some other metaphorical goat-creature-themed thing, you must put two hooves in front of the other two, all March long. Perspective is necessary, forward progress the key.
Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18
Spring hasn’t sprung just yet, Aquarius. We know you’re lying in impatient wait, subterranean flower buds of personal renewal just aching to break through your sodden winter shell. But be aware that most of this month is just gonna look and feel like a field of wet dirt. Gather your strength and coil to pounce. The time is soon at hand.
