These healthy(ish!) holiday bevs will turn you into the person you—and your loved ones—wish you were. Here’s to your health in the brand new year!

Known in some circles as “A Special Place In Hell,” we do recommend moderation with this one—unless you’re truly trapped in a cycle of hate for your own gender, then have two. If you’ve ever said, “most of my friends are male,” have three or four. If “Ivanka seems nice,” see “Seltzer + Bitters.” In a blender, mix: vodka, any dark rum, your favorite amaro, a can of coconut milk, a can of sweetened condensed milk, a can of cream of mushroom soup, a can of refried beans, two glasses of White Girl Rosé, a stick of butter, a bunch of ice, and the juice of one lime. Drink up, but don’t give up: you need every drop of this if you hope to unearth that hidden wunderkind—just remember, the point of this process is to reveal a better you.  


This is a good one if you’re male-identifying and vocally feminist, but prone to relapse. It’s super-simple to make: combine a smoky mezcal, plaster of paris, cornmeal, and a cup of milk in a shaker. That sounds like homemade rat poison, you say? You’re so right! It is!

If you’re looking for self-improvement and know that all your closest friends are, too, here’s the solution: a solid, well-placed punch or two. This recipe is uniquely designed to elevate the toughest crowd to the most genuinely good-hearted group of Mr. and Mrs. Rogers you’ve ever known. Pour whiskey into a wide bowl (or several, depending on how many you expect to participate) and set out a stack of SOLO cups. Refill bowls as necessary. If you or your friends find this exercise difficult, don’t worry; that’s normal. Change is hard.


You’re dead wrong if you’re thinking this one’s gonna be easy. In fact, if you see “kombucha” and think “easy,” this just might be the cocktail for you. It’s a special treatment for those among us who’ve been acting particularly self-righteous, and while we realize that’s a tough one to self-diagnose, do your best: have you uttered the words “I saw this one coming” in the past few months? Do you run when you have a hangover? How many TED Talks have you shared, recently? Start with these questions and build from there. Here’s the recipe: the key is in the quantity. Procure 1,984 ounces of Kombucha, any flavor. Sit down, and do not get up until you have drunk it all.


There’s nothing wrong with you? Cool. Mix yourself a tall glass of seltzer on ice with a few drops of your favorite high-quality, locally-produced bitter. We like this super-rare, expensive brand: polonium. Why not treat yourself to the best this holiday season?


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