Cockroach Milk: Coming to Your Dinner Table Soon

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Remember when you were a kid and you sat down to the dinner table in front of a chunk of white chicken breast, a small pile of broccoli, and a large glass of skim milk? That’s what my childhood dinner table looked like, anyway. Straightforward.

Well, children of the future, your dinner tables could look quite different than mine. Your large glasses of milk could could contain a good amount more… flavor than my skim. Yours could contain cockroach milk.

According to a new study from scientists from around the world, and as reported by Grub Street, the only lactating species of cockroach—the Diplotera Punctata, i.e., the Pacific Beetle—who births whole baby cockroaches rather than lays them in the form of eggs, also secretes some of the most nutritious milk “crystals” the world has ever known. The scientists who discovered this milk have called it, according to Grub Street, a “fantastic” place to get our nutrients because each crystal has “all the essential amino acids,” “three times the energy a person can get from cow’s milk” and, finally, contains proteins, fats, and sugars. So it’s like three meals in one tiny morsel.

And, you know how the healthiest foods release their energy slowly and steadily over time? This is what cockroach milk crystals do, too. So, future young people, you will be doing yourself a disservice if you do not indulge in this fantastically off-putting source of milk. Think of how strong it will make you!

Soon, future kids will not be wearing Superman capes, they’ll dress in aspirational cockroach garb, because these bugs are not only indestructible, their superpower is drinkable, which kids will find to be awesome.

And as Grub Street also points out, we don’t even have to feel bad about killing these cockroach heroes, because scientists have isolated the gene that produces it and can now replicate it in a “yeast system” contained in “very large microbiological vats” without harming a single cockroach in the process. So as the saying goes: Got Roach Milk? Clearly, you should.


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