Suicide Bombers Would Be Totally Chill If Only Women Would Have Sex with Them, Apparently
By Kristin Iversen
You know how sometimes it feels like the stupidest, most ill-informed opinions and theories are being passed around like fact in this world of ours, but that the only glimmer of hope in the whole shitty situation is that at least things couldn’t get worse? Like, bad as the stuff that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth is, at least it makes us feel like nothing could shock us because nobody is nastier and more reductive in his take on the global quandaries that we now find ourselves in? Well! Think again. If there’s one thing Donald Trump should have taught us all by now, it’s that things can always get worse.
This time, “worse”comes in the form of Scott Adams, a white (shocking!) man (shocking-er!) who is clearly suited to writing about the psychology of suicide bombers and terrorists in general because he is… the creator of “Dilbert,” that cartoon about office life that even your dumb hick great-uncle stopped putting on Facebook a few years ago.
Via Gawker, Adams recently shared a blog post on dilbert dot com his belief that there’s a “global gender war” going on right now, one which is the reason behind the existence of things like ISIS and suicide bombings, all of which is to say: It’s all women’s fault for not having enough sex with terrorists.
Adams explains that, as he sees it, “so-called radical Islam is disguising the fact that male-dominated societies are at war with female-dominated countries,” like the United States. You see, here in the good old US of A, women decide all sorts of things for themselves, like who they will or won’t sleep with, and this oppressive matriarchy in which we all miraculously manage to survive is totally damaging to men who just want to have sex whenever they want and talk over whomever they want at any time (Adams admits that he usually finds himself interrupting women, but is defensive, writing, “if most of my victims turn out to be women, I am still assumed to be the problem in this situation, not the talkers,” which, well: YES).
But! As bad as our society is, at least men have access to sex to keep them from going batshit insane. Not so, Adams says, in places ruled by ISIS, where only top-ranking men have wives, and other men are deprived of female companionship, leaving them with only one viable option in this world: suicide by bomb. Adams risks “being politically incorrect” by writing that if he were deprived sex, he would totally “sign up for suicide bomb duty.” Apparently, all that stands between Adams and—in his mind—every other man on earth and mass killings is… pussy.
Luckily, Adams has a solution to the problem of ISIS: He suggests we just tell potential suicide bombers that if they kill their leaders, they will get all the ass they want. Maybe we’ll even move them into the Bushwick sex house!
Or maybe, just maybe, we’ll accept that there’s a more nuanced take as to why thousands upon thousands of young men—and women—are willing to give their lives to a murderous cause with as restrictive a gender dynamic as exists anywhere on earth—other than, you know, Scott Adams’s mind, which is a dark, scary place.