This Saturday, hundreds of berobed, wand-wielding Harry Potter freaks will emerge from their fan fiction writing caves and descend upon the Bell House for PotterCon, Brooklyn’s one and only Harry Potter convention. Spells will be cast, Butterbeer will be served, costumes will be judged, and Pottheads will be sorted into Hogwarts Houses in a live ceremony.
Not everyone in Brooklyn is
nerdy magical enough to attend this convention. So comedy writer Margaret Kaminski, a self-proclaimed Slytherin and founder of PotterCon, was courteous enough to assume the role of the Sorting Hat and sort 12 Brooklyn neighborhoods into Hogwarts Houses. If you’re unsure which House you belong in, the stereotyped collective personality of your neighborhood might provide some clues. Are you a hippie Hufflepuff Park Slope mom who loves herbology and your organic rooftop garden, or an ambitious Williamsburg Slytherin casting Cruciatus curses with your cold stare on the L train? Here, the Sorting of the Neighborhoods.
WILLIAMSBURG: SLYTHERIN Cool, gritty, ambitious. High potential to be douchey, but not a requirement.
BUSHWICK: GRYFFINDOR Everybody who lives in BUSHWICK wants to tell you that they live in BUSHWICK. Same with Gryffs. We get it. You think you’re brave. Go throw your name in the Goblet of Fire already.
PARK SLOPE: HUFFLEPUFF Everyone wants to be kind and loyal and it’s filled with hippie dippy mom-stoners.
CARROLL GARDENS: BEAUXBATONS This is basically like living in the garden of a kind, middle-aged woman named Carol. When you walk through you can practically hear that siren sigh, just as lovely as you’d imagine the setting of the famous French academy to be.
RED HOOK: GRYFFINDOR Takes bravery to live so far away from the trains, but also integrity and a strong sense of self to live in a neighborhood that most people don’t know beyond the IKEA. And dank sandwiches–the patron saint of Gryffindors everywhere.
DUMBO: RAVENCLAW Techy. Nerds.
GREENPOINT: A LITTLE BIT HUFF? It’s near the action in Williamsburg, but offers a retreat for those who might feel overwhelmed or just want a quiet night in. And Hufflepuffs invented the quiet night in.
BED-STUY: GRYFFINDOR Rapidly changing, but still bustling and cool. And saying you live in Bed-Stuy still gives you an edge, like you know something we don’t know. Like that there’s a troll in the first floor girls’ lavatory–and OMG HERMIONE’S IN THERE.
CROWN HEiGHTS: DEFIES CATEGORIZATION A bunch of recent Columbia grads to give it some Slytherin flavor, young techies representing Ravenclaw, the neighborhoody vibe from the Hufflepuffs, and the loyalty of the Gryffindors. Crown Heights IS THE HAT ITSELF.
BROOKLYN HEIGHTS: RAVENCLAW AND SLYTHERINS Those who just want a quiet place to do their reading, and those who just want a quiet place to bathe in a bathtub filled with money.
COBBLE HILL: RAVENCLAWS AND GRYFFINDORS You have to have your shit at least somewhat together to live here, but would have to be extroverted enough to want to.
BAY RIDGE: HUFFLEPUFF Come hang out! Grab a beer! You’re family! Come sit on our beautiful porch facing the beach! Can you imagine anyone from any other house saying that? Maybe Slytherin (ha! ha!).
PotterCon happens at the Bell House in Gowanus from 2pm to 8pm this Saturday, August 1st. Pre-sale tickets are sold out, but you can buy them for $8 at the door.
Follow Carey Dunne on Twitter @CareyDunne