Some may say “fixer upper,” but we say: Don’t change a thing, Michelle Williams. News came from Ditmas Park Corner this past weekend about the Oscar-winning actress’ 2.45 million Prospect Park South mansion purchase. And we were like, “Brooklyn ‘mansion?’ For 2.45 million? Seems astoundingly reasonable.” And then we looked at the pictures. And then we wanted to cry—because it is literally maybe the single coolest house we’ve ever seen. It’s basically like The Shining, but without dead people. Or, you know what? Maybe there are dead people in there, but even if there were, we wouldn’t care.
According to Ditmas Park Corner, the house, located at 1440 Albemarle Road, was designed by architects Robert Bryson and Carroll Pratt at the turn of the 20th century for a prominent Brooklyn lumber dealer, J.C. Woodhull. And it seems that all of them had pretty excellent taste. I mean, I know it doesn’t look like your GORGEOUS NEWLY RENOVATED BUSHWICK 3 BED 1 BATH HIGH CEILINGS STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES or anything, (which, totally not bumping gut renos—they’re nice and clean and everything; except when they totally fall apart a few years later)) but this place though! This place has class and history and pizzazz! Oh, and it has literally everything else you’d want too: Eight bedrooms (all of which have walk-in closets), six bathrooms, eight fireplaces, stained-glass windows, sunroom, spiral bridal staircase (what even IS THAT; oh, ok), claw-foot tubs, garage, porches, and a rooftop deck. (Ok, fine, there’s no pool, but pools suck compared to the ocean anyways. Who would want a pool when Rockaway Beach, AKA the home of the most perfect tacos in existence, is just a short train ride away? To hell with pools.)
So, anyways. Not to be weird, but, Michelle Williams, can we come live with you? We’ll dust the hearth and fluff the velvet drapes and even try our hand at ghost-busting if necessary. Anything to sleep in that tiger room, Michelle. Anything.