Highlights From James St. James’ Open Letter To The Recently Released Michael Alig

Highlights From James St. James' Open Letter To The Recently Released Michael Alig

Today is a big day for pop culture because it will always be known as the day that Michael Alig, the famed club kid/cold-blooded murderer, was released from prison after 17 years in an upstate facility. He’s actually exploring the city as we write this (he ate a burrito two hours ago) and anyone of us could come across him in the next couple days (if he doesn’t purposely put himself on display first).

But, the most interesting tidbit from this whole affair is an open letter Alig’s former partner-in-figurative-crime, James St. James, published today, welcoming his old friend back to life on the outside. Remember, Alig has been away since 1997 and a whole lot has happened since then. Here are the very funny highlights from Mr. St. James’ open correspondence:

The introduction:

It’s a very different world you’re re-entering into. So much has changed in the 17 years since you last walked among us. For instance: We have talking pictures now! And cronuts!

On the new gay scene:

Boys are cuter in the 21st century. And dicks are bigger. These are facts. If you don’t believe me, spend an hour on Tumblr.

We don’t use the “t” word anymore. (It’s “trans” now) And don’t even joke about it. The PC police will GET YOU. Also: “cisgender” is a thing now. Sprinkle it liberally into conversations to give yourself a bit of gravitas.

On transportation:

Cabs take credit cards now.

On this new thing called the Internet:

…the internet is a scary place. Things get weird fast. I suggest dipping your feet in slowly. Gently. Here are a few fun, soothing videos to get you going: David After Dentist, The Prancercize Lady, Charlie Bit Me, Sweet Brown, Two Girls One Cup…

On new media:

Things it takes awhile to get used to not needing anymore: Photographs, books, and newspapers. You’ll fight this, but eventually you’ll succumb. It’s a paperless world now. Adapt or die.

On the current club scene:

The scene has changed. Clubs aren’t the subversive pleasure palaces of yore. Now, it’s just a thousand shrieking girls taking selfies and dancing to “Wake Me Up” by Aviccii.

On the new generation:

The generation that has the greatest access to knowledge in the history of mankind is the one that cares the least about it. So there will be places where you go where NOBODY WILL RECOGNIZE YOU and NOBODY WILL CARE. And because you are no longer a cute little twink, 20-somethings will LOOK RIGHT THROUGH YOU. Or worse: SNEER at the old man.

On polite conversation:

If you need a conversation opener, try “gluten.” It’s all anyone talks about anymore. Say you’re thinking of going gluten-free, and see how people light up.

On social media:

Haterz gonna hate, of course, but the worst of the worst are YouTube commenters and Redditors. You have been warned.

On the drug dealing world:

Funny side note: Drug dealers almost always have Party Monster on. Or Kill Bill Volume 2. Literally WITHOUT FAIL. Every drug dealer’s apartment you will ever go to (and I’m not advising you to got to any… but) there they are. There YOU are. On a loop.

In conclusion:

All my best wishes for you’re [sic] newly rehabilitated life. Enjoy the new millennia, it’s been waiting for you
James St james

We’d call that a pretty great introduction to the 21st Century. Feel free to read the whole hilarious letter here and let us know if you spot Michael Alig in Brooklyn (though, he probably doesn’t know it exists yet).

Follow Nikita Richardson on Twitter @nikitarbk

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