Wasn’t the worst thing about Hurricane Sandy the five pounds you gained from eating so much crappy food while holed up in your apartment watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix? No! It was not. Not even close. You know what was far, far worse? Not having any food to eat following Hurricane Sandy. And having to wait on really long lines to get packaged meals from the National Guard. But at least then your jeans would still button all the way? So maybe that’s not so bad? Ugh.
Anyway, the New York Times has really covered the whole spectrum in Hurricane Sandy coverage. They’ve done amazing pieces on the devastation wrought by Sandy in places like Staten Island and the Jersey Shore. But they’ve also done these sort of “let them eat cake” Style Section pieces on “glamping”—which, New York Times, stop trying to make “glamping” happen. You first coined this word in 2008 and no one wanted to use it then and they don’t want to use it now. Now the paper has decided to tackle the issue of blaming a hurricane for New Yorkers’ sudden propensity to binge eat. You know we’re approaching apocalyptic times when women stop thinking about their weight and actually, you know, eat food.
The Times interviewed New Yorkers like Emily Marnell, who lamented, “I can’t even talk about it — my jeans do not button.” Marnell “recalled in horror, ‘I went through Duane Reade and was grabbing Double Stuf Oreos, whole milk, Twix, Twizzlers, Sour Patch Kids.'” It’s clearly the end of days. I’m pretty sure the Mayan apocalypse prediction includes both Duane Reade and whole milk. The Times mentions other desperate “downtowners [who] searched for food like post-apocalyptic survivalists, hoarding whatever they could find — cheap Chinese, bad pizza — on food runs to civilization.” Bad pizza? Even the cannibal warlord scavengers from “The Road” had higher standards than these downtowners, but whatever.
But how will these fat pigs possibly go on in a post-Sandy world? I mean, it’s not like they could participate in the NYC Marathon and burn off those extra calories. What amazing man-made invention will save them?
Andrea Lavinthal, a 33-year-old editor, has the answer. Never fear! Lavinthal—who made the cogent observation that “Waiting for the storm seemed to make everyone want to do three things: watch ‘Homeland,’ eat and tweet”—has the answer for what the newly chubby downtowners should turn to in their time of need.
Jeggings. Lavinthal told the TImes, “I’ve never been so grateful for my jeggings.” I’m sure that’s what all the people in Staten Island and the Jersey Shore are saying now too.
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