People in Williamsburg Stay Up Late, Eat Food, Investigation Finds


According to explosive new findings, the denizens of Williamsburg are apparently staying up past midnight – nay, until sunrise! – and eating food in so-called “diners” while they do it.

Eating breakfast foods at a time that could arguably be considered not-breakfast-time? What will these loose canon gentrifiers think of next?

Using the garish neighborhood diner Kellogg’s as a case study, The New York Times mused, “Is it tonight or tomorrow? Last night or this morning? How do you bid a stranger farewell: is it ‘Good night,’ ‘Have a nice day’ or ‘Get home safely — you sure you’re all right?’?”

While one might say, “it depends on if you’ve been up all night or just woke up, case closed,” the situation is more complicated than meets the untrained eye. Devices have now been developed in such communities to prevent accurate understanding of time and place: “At 6:12 a.m., the sun crowns over Sunac Natural Food. Venetian blinds come down to protect the innocent.”

But that’s not all. Early in the evening, after work, alcohol in the neighborhood is often reported to be sold at a discount for a multi-hour window of time inaccurately dubbed “Happy Hour.” Why the misnomer? Chronological confusion aside, is anyone really “happy” upon leaving the office? And how is one supposed to know when Happy Hour[s] officially transition into Party Time? Have Williamsburg’s new residents created these distinctions to deliberately discourage outsiders from participating in such local rituals?

If anyone would like to pay me a large, negotiable fee, expenses not included, to investigate the situation further, I await your inquiries.

Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.

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