Horoscopes: December & January

Sagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21
Here’s the thing about Hillary Rodham Clinton: a white pantsuit is not very sensible at all, essentially functioning as an expensive canvas for coffee stains. Be like Hillz, Sagittarius. Allow your consistently sound judgement to slip into bursts of giddy foolishness during your birthday month. Eat pancakes for dinner; count a bag of Skittles as a serving of fruit. Maybe consider going goth? Or wear a white pantsuit. Channel Her however you see fit.

Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
There’s a saying for times like these, “It’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black.” No, Capricorn, that’s not it! I know you are expecting the worst, but don’t forget there are lots of people out there just like you. Sometimes you need other people to remind you the Sun is going to keep coming up, and there are great things left to be done. Yeezus 2020.

Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18
Oh, Aquarius. Living is hard. Still, you’ve always been so on-task, a classic overachiever. Only that requires a shield—you know the kind—against feelings. But look what’s happened now! The world became insane. And, sometimes, in situations like these, we need softness, the ability to be vulnerable, in order to move forward. Don’t believe me? Take it from Cary Grant in The Philadelphia Story: “You’ll never be a first class human being… until you’ve learned to have some regard for human frailty.” He was supposedly terrible to people, but he sure could deliver a line, and in this particular case, he was right.

Pisces | Feb 19–Mar 20
You know what? There’s no way around it: Things kind of suck right now. But in times of despair, and in times of crisis, you can always look for pristine advice from one person. Ron Swanson. “Never half-ass two things,” he says. “Whole-ass one thing.” Listen to him, Pisces. Binge the fuck out of that new show. Listen to that record 50 times before work. Go to Chipotle and order that goddamn Quesarito. It’ll be worth it. It will feel great.

Aries |  Mar 21–Apr 19
My God, Aries, what have we done?? I mean… Christ, you try to prepare yourself for the worst. But then the worst shows up and its dead shark eyes size you up like a struggling seal, and you want to stare right back, show some strength, but you’ve got this sick feeling that you are that seal and your little seal wing…wait, flipper?…seal flipper…isn’t gonna get you out of here. I dunno. Maybe style your hair different this month. 

Taurus | Apr 20–May 20
Ah, shit, Taurus. What’s it all mean? Is there a single binding idea of human decency or objective truth that we could all recognize if it stumbled right up to us and tried to take our hand? Is there anything guiding any of this? Stars? The fucking stars??? What’s that, a giant scoop made of suns thinks you should look for a new job this month? Better listen to the sun scoop.

Gemini | May 21–Jun 21
Remember the time we elected Donald Trump as president? Yeah, that was bad. Let’s not do it again. On the bright side there’s some good music right now. A Tribe Called Quest! Would you believe it? It’s wonderful. If you’re modern, The Weeknd and Childish Gambino have new stuff. Even the fucking Rolling Stones have a new album. Try this, Gemini: listen to some of these for 30-60 minutes. While you’re at it, you may be able to forget that there’s an Oompa Loompa in the oval office.

Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22
Cancer, I know you. Come January, you are headed straight for that bomb shelter. The cozy space you built where you can weep while listening to Leonard Cohen and lament the direction of the human race. Only, we need your empathy and creativity more than ever. Don’t forget about us.

Leo | July 23–Aug 22
A wise, sexy man named Mick Jagger once sang, “You can’t always get what you want.” Well, that’s true! You can’t! In life or during the holidays. Now that you’re old enough to know Santa’s not real, you should lower your expectations. You can always count on Leonardo DiCaprio, though. May we suggest drowning your sorrows with wine and watching Titanic, Romeo & Juliet, Shutter Island, and The Great Gatsby? Boom. See? You feel better already.

Virgo | Aug 23–Sep 22
Heeeyyy Viirrgoo, you’re really not much of an emotional one, are you? But recently you’ve been a little up and down (in the privacy of your own home, of course. Emotions aren’t for the public eye, amiright?). Things are about to stabilize soon, though. Good times, hot chocolate, marshmallows, tacos, popcorn, and champagne are all around the bend—plus a bunch of Lifetime TV. It’s going to be incredible. Just wait.

Libra Sep 23–Oct 22
Remember last month when we told you it was time to make over your soul? Well, keep doing that. It’s not a temporary thing. Find every bit of good inside of you—kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness—and triple it in size. Reach out to anyone and everyone that needs it. Value human connections above all else. Help others in order to help yourself.

Scorpio | Oct 23–Nov 21
Listen, Scorpio. You veered off path for a minute—ok, several years—but you knew all along you were fucking up. It’s just, you’re a goddamn decent human being, so you kept trying to please others rather than yourself. No more. Today is for you. So is the rest of your life. Good news is, your rock-solid intuition is still in tact, and now you have the resolve to follow it. What are you waiting for! The good stuff is sitting there nice and ripe-like, waiting for you to eat it up.