01_virgoVirgo | Aug 23–Sep 22
Summer is all about playing Nintendo, watching Janet Jackson videos and swimming in your neighbors’ pool all day, but now summer is over. It’s time to fill your backpack with fresh new markers because your life is changing by leaps and bounds these days—more leaps, than bounds, of course, because no one is lighter on their feet than you. (Except maybe that one time, but we won’t count that.) You’re always on the verge of something, Virgo. 
02_libraLibra | Sep 23–Oct 22
I know what you’re thinking, Libra. You’re thinking about fresh starts and new climates and not-yet-reached, or even realized, life goals. But that’s big picture stuff. Focus on happy hour and Britney Spears (WWBD?). Keep it simple. Get the bunny.
03_scorpioScorpioOct 23–Nov 21
You know that Simon and Garfunkel song? The one where they talk about being lost and empty and aching but not knowing why? That song always makes me think of you. And about how Art Garfunkel really did not get enough credit for how well he dressed. But I digress: You should really start smoking again, Scorpio. It suited you.
04_sagittariusSagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21
Do you ever feel like you’re running the last leg of a relay race and everyone else on your team went home already? Chin up, Sagittarius; this is the month that you get to write your own future. (Puppies and love for all? Puppies and love for all.)
05_capricornCapricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
You’ve always been the middle wolf in a parade of wolves, Capricorn: following in order but howling wildly, relishing the organized chaos. But now father wolf is leaving the pack, and it’s a new chapter. Sad and scary but sweet and freeing, like Michael Phelps’ final race. He won gold in that, Capricorn, don’t forget. GOLD.
06_aquariusAquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18
Sometimes you order a Hawaiian pizza and it doesn’t come. So the next next thing you should do is methodically plot to destroy Papa John’s, right? Wrong, Aquarius. Think about what is worth getting mad about. Channel your energy into a project, and definitely get a hammock.
07_piscesPisces | Feb 19–Mar 20
Be conscientious, Pisces. You may think you’re ‘not having that much to drink’, but it’s a lie. A lie! The hangover will not be fun. But don’t fret too much: a hot shower and a good sandwich are your truest antidote. The unclear will soon be clear, and you’ll feel like your jubilant self again in no time.
08_ariesAriesMar 21–Apr 19
Where you lead, I will follow, Aries, even though life has been like ’Oy, with the poodles, already!’ But with this new season, I feel a change. Like turning the page in an unedited manuscript that is all yours to accept or deny (just the way you like it). You’re all limbered up from all that hot yoga and you’re ready to get moving. No one is going to be gummin’ it all up for you now.
09_taurusTaurus | Apr 20–May 20
What did you do now, Taurus? Did you recently ghost someone? Someone maybe you said you cared a lot about and then left at the “…” of a text? I bet you are regretting that now. Because, like you said, that person really had it all. But it’s ok, you’re just a bit too stubborn to give up your lavish single life. Just go out, get another drink and don’t worry about it all so much.
10_geminiGeminiMay 21–Jun 21
Well would you look at that, Gemini? Seems the tables have turned. It’s a new era. The torch has been passed, if you will. What could possibly come of this? We’ll see, but in the meantime, let’s enjoy the end of baseball season with a Lime-A-Rita or two.
11_cancerCancerJun 22–Jul 22
Oh, crabby Cancer. Stop complaining about your current situation and trust that the stars will lead the way. You should definitely leave that one person alone who you keep pestering, or else you might end up on the opposite coast. Actually, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, at all.
12_leoLeoJuly 23–Aug 22
A strange thing happened recently: you got exactly what you wanted. So, the path forks here. You might be anxious, already, to try something new; but that’s not the answer. Look at what you’ve neglected while you worked to get where you are. Attend to that, and start to have fun. Remember that feeling? It’s a great time.