If you’ve already ignored the best advice you can get, which is to avoid marriage, you probably ignored the second-best piece of advice you can get, which is to let someone else do the talking on your “big” day (which is the same size as any other day), because you will be brain-dead. That’s right, your brain will be dead. (Go to the courthouse, you morons is tied for second-best piece of advice, and works on a similar principle).
Based on reputable calculations, my brain might actually be reincarnated by next week when I’m expected to say the vows I have not yet written. Fingers crossed!
Maybe your wedding isn’t for another year, maybe you’re reading this after a breakup to nurse your greatest fear—being alone forever—or maybe you fell asleep at work and your fat forehead brought you to this particular page. Whatever your motivation, I offer these easy steps to writing the best wedding vows ever, a list I have chosen to write instead of penning notes of divine promise to the person I’m yoking myself to for eternity.
ADMIT THAT IT’S DELUSIONAL TO THINK YOU COULD WRITE ANYTHING ACCURATE ABOUT LOVE, OR FAMILY, OR THE IDEA OF “FOREVER”.
This is a good first step. Admit that not only will nothing you write be quite right, some of it will be downright wrong. In every case, it will be one hundred percent delusional.
TAKE A CUE FROM YOUR NIGHTMARES.
Had any vow nightmares? They can be an incredible source of inspiration when approached correctly. In most of mine, I cannot speak. In others, I haven’t been able to memorize anything, so I’m fumbling with an unreadable shred of notebook paper. In still others, I am so behind on writing my vows that I’m hiding behind a tree finishing them as the ceremony starts. My nightmares haven’t been very helpful content-wise, but yours might be: keep that notebook open by your bed and let your dreams do the rest.
STOP GETTING DRUNK.
More complicated than previous step, but vital. You will need to find a few consecutive sober moments to really pry out your best complete sentences.
ASK FOR ADVICE.
This is a trick step. Definitely do not ask someone else what your wedding vows should say. Are you not in love with this person? Do you not know them inside-and-out, including all the best ways to make them cry in front of family and friends on the “most important” day of your joint-bank-accounted lives? Ignore the noise. Focus on the tear-jerking anecdotes.
USE TEAR-JERKING ANECDOTES ONLY.
Stick to things that will make everyone cry. No one gives two thin, useless shits what candy bar your beloved likes to eat or about that time you took a road trip together and discovered everything, or about how you like to sit on the couch or whatever bullshit you do when no one’s watching. It’s all about the tears.
The way you solve 99 percent of your problems is the way you should solve this one, too.
JUST WRITE DOWN HOW MUCH YOU LOVE X PERSON.
Just kidding! This is another trick step. Writing down how much you love someone will never work. Too straightforward.
HAVE SOMEONE ELSE WRITE YOUR VOWS.
Is it really that crazy? Contact me; I’ll arrange something really thoughtful. (SEE: STOP GETTING DRUNK)