Arthur Schopenhauer, famous for his positive outlook and sunny disposition* said, “Marrying means to grasp blindfolded into a sack hoping to find an eel amongst an assembly of snakes.” I couldn’t agree more! My wedding is in two weeks! I’m deep in the sack!
Of course, most of the following terrors are automatically alleviated by avoiding marriage. Everything will also be fine if you don’t have a family but do have sacks of money, if you avoid Schopenhauer, and if you decide to get married in a courthouse or in Myanmar (just think of the hashtags! #myanmarboo!). But even if you make it through the wedding, is it possible to avoid the long-term suffering of marriage? Schopenhauer, who stayed very single but kept a series of poodles (all with the same name), would probably say (while petting one of his poodles) that our malignant will makes it inevitable—the suffering parts, not the marriage parts. He definitely hated marriage. He would love this list.
PARENTS. They like to think of you as still being a virgin and they want live jazz bands. Plus they’ll add all the neighbors to your guest list. See also: RELIGION & KIDS.
HASHTAGS. #courtneytiesthescott #wheretheresawilltheresaray #wynnnwynnsituation #seymoredickey #ish #theseareallrealhashtags #fromrealweddings
SNAKES. See: SCHOPENHAUER. Plus, if your wedding is outside this could easily become an even more pressing issue.
KIDS. People will think you want them. Parents will think you’re getting married to have them, especially if you’re nearing thirty, the age at which they already had five or so. Do you want them? If you don’t, consider the following responses: “Our debt load is insane—a couple inheritors isn’t a bad idea” or “Twins make great bookends” or “He’s looking into the operation.”
YOUR NAME. People will think you don’t want it anymore! People will think you want to become Mrs. His Lastname. They’ll think you want to disappear into a world of invisibility, especially when it comes to envelopes.
CHOWDER SPOONS. What the fccckkkk is a chowder spoon?
MONEY. What the fccckkkk is money?
SCHOPENHAUER. “Marrying means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties.” See: SNAKES.
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. No one will trust you to give it anymore. You’ve made it. Your opinion doesn’t matter. Some might listen politely, but they’re ignoring you with a sentence like this running just behind their eyes: “She has zero clue. No clue. Seriously? She’s love-blind. Wedding-blind. Poor useless thing.”
YOU WERE NEVER GOOD AT GOOGLE DOCS ANYWAY. Quit before you get bit.
DIVORCE RATE. It’s actually going down: there’s hardly a gamble in the process to get you nervous like the old days.
PROMISES. Do those things even work?