Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22
The Art of Waiting. The Course of Love. The Dream Life of Astronauts. These brief phrases, they’re all pretty enigmatic. They’re also the titles of books stacked in piles on my desk right now, building a fortress of words that I hope will protect me in the way that these next words will, I hope, help you: Here I Am. Cancer: Here you are. Think hard if it’s where you want or even ought to be.
Leo | July 23–Aug 22
If there’s one thing mythology teaches us it’s that even in paradise there are things waiting to hurt us. It could be something generally understood to be cruel, like a snake. It could be something more innocuous, like a sprig of mistletoe. But evil is never far away, Leo. Embrace that. Curl up with the coiled serpent. Sidle up to those poisonous berries. Get to know the devil. It’s more fun that way.
Virgo | Aug 23–Sep 22
Recently I saw that I could get a free copy of happiness (or, rather, Happiness) and it got me thinking about how many of your emotions are real, Virgo, and how many are just copies of true sentiments. To be honest, I feel like, lately, they’re more of the latter. Change that: Let some real feelings in. Let their feathers stick in your skin and hair. Let their burrs prick your arms and legs. Feel them. Feel everything.
Libra | Sep 23–Oct 22
What is it about bad movies that makes them so good, Libra? More specifically, what is it about The Intern that made me want to watch it twice in one week, even though much of its dialogue and politics are laughably terrible? Is it the fact that I just can’t hate Anne Hathaway? Or is it because I was watching it with you while flying across an ocean? Is the secret to bad movies being good simply that whatever we do together is always awesome? Maybe. Yes.
Scorpio | Oct 23–Nov 21
Oh, Scorpio. Why are you even reading this? You hate reading horoscopes. You don’t even believe in them. You think they’re the territory of monsters and fanatics, that they’re no real answer to the problems of this life. But did you ever think that maybe they’re preparation for the next life? Because that’s what I think. And I’m never wrong.
Sagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21
It’s that time of year again, Sagittarius, those few golden weeks of real relaxation and rest and a chance to glory in the sunny days and hazy nights. Do not squander this time. It’s tempting, I know. You need to feel like you can waste it, especially after months of using up everything you’ve got. But still: Use this time well and wisely and make it so that it never ends, so that all your days are as happy as these.
Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
When was the last time you felt real joy, Capricorn? It’s been some time now, hasn’t it? But remember what that was like? How it started in the tips of your fingers and traveled up your arms and into your shoulders and up past your neck till it lodged in your skull and forced its way out of your mouth? Joy is kind of gross, isn’t it? It sure is.
Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18
What tastes better than blood? I guess many things. But also not really, especially when that blood tastes of revenge and also of wine and also of victory. All I’m saying, Aquarius, is throw on your nun’s habit, a big-ass cross, and a thick leather choker and bare your teeth, because you’re about to bite down and sink right into exactly what you’ve long been wanting. It’ll taste pretty sweet.
Pisces | Feb 19–Mar 20
I have never licked the inside of a heart, Pisces, but if I could it would be yours. Especially now, because I think that all it’d take to wipe clean your heart and start fresh would be a couple soft swipes of a tongue. You’ll feel clear and empty in the best possible way. And I’d be full. I like being full.
Aries | Mar 21–Apr 19
Recently, Aries, I got really scared. I felt like the world was bouncing me around, and like I was about to fall from precipitous heights and explode upon impact. Do you ever feel that way? Here’s what helped me. I closed my eyes and thought to myself, Be with me. I didn’t know who I was talking to, or maybe I did, but as soon as I thought those words, I wasn’t alone anymore. Try it. They’ll come.
Taurus | Apr 20–May 20
You’re so grounded, Taurus. You’re so of the earth. But it feels now like you’re in danger of entering into the earth itself and like the roots of your favorite trees might start to grow over you and trap you in their grip. I’m not sure if I should be more or less worried that you don’t seem to mind this all that much. Maybe I shouldn’t think about it at all. Maybe that.
Gemini | May 21–Jun 21
Oh, Gem. Your season is fading. At least it feels like that because the days are getting shorter, hot though they still are. But all this means is that a new time is starting for you, one of cherry reds and deep dark blues and velvety blacks and bright whites. What should you do with all these colors? Let yourself get blinded. It’ll make the pain of passing between seasons that much easier. It won’t hurt one bit. Unless you want it to. Maybe you like that sort of pain.
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