Horoscopes: March

Pisces | Feb 19–Mar 20
There’s a weird split in you, Pisces; there always has been. Your surface appears calm and the waters roil and roll non-stop underneath. Lately, I think the whirlpool has been swirling a little faster than you think you’re prepared to handle. Here’s the thing, though, you’ve already gone this far. If you feel like you’re drowning, just reach up and out. You’ll find what you need. I promise.

Aries | Mar 21–Apr 19
If you had a mantra, Aries, it would probably be something along the lines of “When I fight, I win!” And, whoa, do you ever love to fight! You sure have been doing a lot of it lately, anyway. The winning though? That’s more of a mixed bag. I guess some of what you’ve been feeling lately is similar to victory, but it doesn’t taste so sweet, does it? Maybe it’s time to stop fighting and come to terms with the fact that life isn’t about your personal victories. There are bigger things at stake right now. Focus on them instead.

Taurus | Apr 20–May 20
Do you ever stop and wonder why it is, exactly, that you came to this city? I think it’s because its bright lights made it possible for you to think you could escape your interior darkness. But that isn’t exactly what happened, is it? Instead, the darkness has been seeping out all around you, like a velvet cape enfolding your every gesture, encompassing your world. But what’s wrong with that? Wouldn’t we all drape ourselves in velvet if we could. Or is that just me?

Gemini | May 21–Jun 21
Here’s what I want for you this month, Gem: Long, lazy afternoons lying in the sun. Cherry Kool-Aid spilling out from the cup you bring to your lips, so that it tumbles down your face and onto your neck and into your lap. Dreams. I want you to dream that you’re kicking around in a shallow pool, reveling in being below the surface. Enjoy your days. And your nights, queen.

Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22
What have you been preparing for lately? Is it… life? Isn’t that a funny thing to be preparing for? Considering you’re already living it? Except, wait a minute. Or, no. No! Stop! Forget what I just said, actually. Don’t wait a second! It’s time for you to stop waiting and really go for what you want. Enough preparation already. The time to move is now.

Leo | July 23–Aug 22
Recently, a book came my way and it carried with it the name A Doubter’s Almanac. I thought of you when I saw this title because, well, lol. Could any book be less for you? You don’t doubt anything! You’re always so sure of yourself. And lest you think I’m about to tell you that you could handle some quiet time for self-reflection, never fear. I actually think you should have more and more confidence until your self-satisfied head floats right off your shoulders with its own importance. Yay?! (*pop*)

Virgo | Aug 23–Sep 22
In noted Virgo Moby’s forthcoming memoir, Porcelain, the artist recounts his first time meeting Madonna. It went like this: “I reached forward to shake Madonna’s hand, but she stood back with her arms crossed.” Is someone treating you like Madonna once treated Moby? Do you know why that might be? Think hard. It’s probably your fault. Nothing is Madonna’s fault. Ever.

Libra | Sep 23–Oct 22
If I had to choose three words to describe you, Libra, they’d definitely be: “Always a hottie.” Hey, if it’s good enough for Aunt Cindy to have written in bright pink on her white cropped T-shirt, which she perfectly accessorized with tiny little pigtails, tons of eyebrow pencil, and long hard drags on a smoldering cigarette, it’s good enough for you. And, Libra? You’re the fucking best.

Scorpio | Oct 23–Nov 21
Um, I don’t know what to tell you, Scorpio, because normally I’d be all “Why so grumpy? Oh, it’s because you’re always grumpy? Cool. Stop that.” But the thing is, you’ve been pretty chill lately, and it’s working for you, isn’t it? You’re just strolling around, guitar in hand, making music. It’s great. Maybe we should form a band? Yes? Yes?!? Hello??? Ok, never mind.

Sagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21
You know what you could use right now, Sagittarius? A sandwich. A very wise woman once said to me: “Everyone needs a good tuna melt.” I think you’d be wise to heed her words and get in on some chicken of the sea action, but beyond that? Think of what the tuna melt means: Comfort. It’s time to take care of yourself. Start, like, yesterday.

Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
How have you been sleeping lately? Restlessly, I’d imagine; a broken sleep. I wish I could tell you something to soothe your troubled mind, but I’ve never been very good at making things easier. I make them more clear. I make them sharp, even. Sometimes that makes things better. But it tends to hurt more first, before the pain starts to go away and you can close your eyes and really relax. You’ll get there, though. Eventually.

Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18
Let’s talk about relationships. No, actually: Let’s talk about butts. No, actually: Let’s talk about getting what we want. How do we do that? Well, it’s best right now to not be too direct about anything, and to find new and improved ways of asking for the things you need instead. So, like, if you feel like you’re not being heard, maybe try speaking a different language? Or just changing around the spelling of the one you’re already using? U cern dew iht!