Just last week, after news of a doughnut-tracking app started circulating, I issued an earnest plea for everyone to stop being so stupid about doughnuts, for each and every citizen to do their own small part in preventing a perfectly good dessert from getting beaten into the ground, from become the next cupcake. Well, seems like this all fell on deaf ears (other than those of the doughnut app itself, which for some reason thanked me for the article on Twitter). How do I know? A bakery in Williamsburg is now using syringes as a means of marrying doughnut with filling. If you want to buy a doughnut and fill it yourself, that’ll cost you $5.
Elsewhere, Buzzfeed published an ecstatic listicle about an unholy doughnut-waffle hybrid called the “Wonut.” (“The citizens of Wonutlandia rejoice and bask in eternal glory,” writes Buzzfeed). So, seems like it bears repeating. No more doughnut gimmicks. This is easy enough to put a stop to before things get any more out of hand than they already are. If someone offers you a doughnut that’s in anyway preposterous or costs more than $3 for any reason at all, say no. Take your dignity and your money and buy one of the tens of thousands of perfectly wonderful, not-at-all-silly-or-ostentatious doughnuts that are baked all over this city every single day. We can still beat this thing.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.