Companies Now Abusing Employees With Group Juice Cleanses

Doesnt she look happy?

  • Doesn’t she look happy?

If you’re lucky enough to have a job and coworkers that you don’t actively hate and wish ill upon, a few enterprising companies have a handy way to fix that. Team-building, week-long, office-wide juice cleanses! Doesn’t. This. Sound. Fun.

Now, you may be asking “why in the hell would I ever consent to this” or “how the hell am I supposed to get work done if I’m not eating” OR “why the hell would the cleanliness of my insides and general eating habits ever be appropriate for my employer to meddle in,” but shhh, shhh, just listen.

“We all worked through lunch every day […] I got tons of cleaning done,” enthused one Shape magazine employee of her office’s cleanse. One thoroughly cleansed web developer added, “You realize your social life revolves around food, so you stay late at the office.”

See? Lots of fun, with totally appropriate boundaries between your work and your personal life!

Predictably, these are hugely popular among the ranks of self-loathing financial types (and, naturally, among Oprah’s production staff), and group office cleanses now account for 30 percent of the inexplicably booming juice industry.

Sadly, this trend hasn’t stayed safely contained among the Patrick Bateman set. Recent, Brooklyn production company Project Dstllry responded to a particularly stressful week by telling its employees to nut up and stop eating. “It was a week when we were slammed, and we just needed to pull together as a community,” explained the company’s creative director and co-founder. “It was something we could do where we thought, ‘We’re all in this together.'”

Well, whatever, at least it’s all for the greater good of everyone’s health. One nutritionist explained to the Times, “Your liver and kidneys can handle toxins just fine. There’s no science to back up cleansing.” Oh.


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