Brooklyn’s Best Places to Break Up With Your (Formerly) Loved One
The Banks of the Gowanus Canal
I am putting forward the option of the banks of the Gowanus Canal although I am a little hesitant to do so for the following, ultra-serious reason: SUICIDE. Here’s the thing, i would ordinarily be 100% opposed to suggesting a breakup venue that is this close to a body of water, but the subtle beauty of breaking up with someone by the Gowanus Canal can not be underestimated. It’s just that, like, the canal and it’s toxicity can totally be a fucking METAPHOR for your poisonous relationship. Brilliant, right? You won’t even have to explain yourself. Just gesture to the green sludge that pretends to be water and say, “That’s us. It’s over.” And then walk dramatically away. While I would hesitate to recommend dumping someone on the Brooklyn Bridge because of the whole jumper reason, I don’t have those same worries about the Gowanus Canal and I’ll tell you why. Who would EVER want to spend any part of their life—even the last few minutes—in a toxic, Superfund site? No one. Not even the most broken-hearted of men. So, really, you have nothing to worry about. Just go for it. Trust me.