Game of Tomes: An Alternate History of Brooklyn’s Literary Tribes
Emma Straub: choked to death by Nicole Krauss with her own flower crown
Philip Levine (noncombatant attending in the hopes of being commissioned to edit a collection of essays about the conflict): shot by a compound crossbow.
Colson Whitehead: speared in the side, by one of Jonathan Ames’s Bastard Child soldiers. Somewhere Richard Ford was smiling.
Simon Rich (mercenary, fighting for Twees): mistaken for an Ames’s Bastard Child soldier, killed in retaliation for Colson Whitehead.
Jonathan Safran Foer: quietly wept himself to death while thinking about his fourth brother, Isaac Safran Foer, who owned a car dealership in Jersey City but was uninterested in writing a novel—or even a book of pop psychology—about it.
Hubert Selby Jr.’s Reanimated Corpse: Overcome by n + 1 interns, though he took 177 of them with him back to the grave. They did not receive college credit, as they did not complete their internships. They died penniless.
Benjamin Kunkel: mortally wounded when a battle-ax ripped through his “Free Gessen!” t-shirt.
Emily Gould: Riddled with arrows after appropriating the microphone to read selections from her upcoming work “Yoga for Nihilists”.
Jonathan Ames: Turned on and killed by his army of bastard children in an Oedipal blood-orgy.
John Hodgman: Scared to death when James Boice told him a joke ending with the punchline “It translates to ‘wrong hole.’”
Siddhartha Deb (mercenary, fighting for Mensheviks): Victim of Shteyngart’s diaper bomb.
Teju Cole (mercenary, fighting for Mensheviks): His final tweet “Mr. Cole kept his head on the battlefield, only to lose it moments later. “