Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18 Finally, the moment has come: you’ve knit all the baby clothes you could ever need. Or, you know, made all those mounds of homemade pasta, or fabricated a household of bookshelves. Suffice it to say, you’ve been productive. Has it made you happy? Given you energy? Maybe. But if not, time to do some reassessing: figure out what’s really behind all that drive to keep doing so much.
Pisces | Feb 19–Mar 20 You. Work. So. Hard. It’s. Exhausting. For. Everyone. Be honest, it’s exhausting for you, too. Plus, you’re a people pleaser: doubly exhausting. This month, consider saying no. To people. To nights out. To work, even. To anything you want! No is so on trend rn—not that you’re trendy. But it could be relieving to hang back and relax with the underachieving pack, just for a minute.
Aries | Mar 21–Apr 19 There is so much to do in the world, and yet you just keep sitting on the couch. What are you doing? You’re a peacock, you’ve got to spread your wings and fly! If you head down the street and find a seat at your favorite local bar, the bartender will give you a free drink. Don’t question it. It’s the tide turning in your favor.
Taurus | Apr 20–May 20 Hey, guess what! We’re all so happy for you. You’ve wanted to do this huge thing for yourself forever, and now you have. It sucks that it is in another place, and that it has shifted your energies to other people. Luckily, you’re so lovable that everyone is so behind you on this, for as long as it lasts. You’ve earned this one, big time (imagine Borat saying that last part, for even more meaningful impact).
Gemini |May 21–Jun 21 Feeling a little blue lately? Treat yourself to something nice! Take some time for yourself and go watch that new Adam Sandler movie. Download that new Nickelback album for your morning commute, or, if you’re feeling really out there, take a shot on America’s band, 3 Doors Down. For dinner, treat yourself to some fine gourmet cuisine at Arby’s. You deserve the best! It’ll be worth it—believe us.
Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22 Remember all those times you learned that the only constant in life is change? Same holds for relationships, dummy! You thought you remembered this from your last one—that even when shit seemed bad, it improved. When it was mediocre, it got worse. Then it was unbearable until, suddenly, it was great. The same holds this time around! Do not despair, tomorrow will be different, if not significantly better.
Leo |July 23–Aug 22 Hoo boy, Leo. Sometimes you’re the manatee and sometimes you’re the boat propeller that the sweet, trusting manatee floats towards seeking gentle engagement with, just a moment of simple connection, despite the fact that a boat propeller’s got nothing to deal out but swift, whirling pain. AMIRITE?? Surprise—this month you’re the propeller! Don’t hurt ‘em too bad, Leo! They are so dumb.
Virgo | Aug 23–Sep 22 You may be feeling a bit in between worlds right now, Virgo. Neither here nor there. But it’s really not too terrible of a place, is it? With the grass so green on both sides of the fence it makes for a pretty nice view while you’re contemplating your next move. Where are you going? What do you want? The world is yours. Take some time to take in this moment. Breathe deep. You’re on the brink.
Libra Sep 23–Oct 22
Embrace your spirit animal this month, Libra: the sloth. Slowly laze around the trees and snack on leaves, all with a subtle smile on your face. Save your energy for when it matters, and don’t waste it on things that don’t. Get more sleep. Do less. And while you’re thinking about sloths, maybe it’s finally time to book that vacation to South America you’ve been thinking about. After all, you might thrive in the rainforest.
Scorpio |Oct 23–Nov 21 Scorpio, your professional and personal lives may feel like a bit of a mess in the beginning of the month. At times, you feel like you’re being pulled in so many directions, and your head is spinning. Don’t let it get the best of you. Try out some new meditation techniques. Join the Self Love Club. Listen to the Biebs on repeat. Yeah, your external relationships are important, but don’t forget about the one you have with yourself!
Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19 Oh shit, Capricorn, here comes a Penumbral Lunar Eclipse! You’ll be chillin’ on the 10th of the month, politely sippin’ a Friday night cocktail, when…BOOM your old friend the moon is going to slip inside the penumbral shadow cone of the Earth, without touching its umbra. Believe me when I tell you, my man, in that moment you are going to fucking lose it.
Sagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21 Sagittarius, you are so goddamn changing! One day, you’re open, giving, witty, generous. The next, you’re dead inside. It keeps everyone guessing, but it sucks for everyone, too. Perhaps this month, to get out of your own head, what you need is an exercise in empathy. Talk to a Trump supporter. Talk to your difficult brother. Get to know the heads of others, in order to get out of your own, and see the bigger picture.