Fitting Your Whole Essay on the “Write-In” Line

Fitting Your Essay on the Write-in Line

This November 8, in just six days, voters will find a tiny 2.5-inch essay line on the ballot. Anyone with handwriting will find this space insufficient to qualify their vote for Hillary Clinton.

It will definitely be difficult to list any concerns still remaining about her e-communications: drawing the twisty diagram that connects the FBI to Comey to Congress to Clinton to Huma to Weiner to Weiner’s Computer to Weiner’s Pedophilic Online Interests—and back again—will take at least 4 inches alone, modestly; an honest discussion of why grown-up news outlets like the Washington Post insist on using the words “Weiner Probe” next to Hillary and the e-word seems impossible, given the unfair 2.5-inch restrictions put on our essay space.

How will we handle another risotto recipe? There’s simply no way to address simple problems like these in our current one-line essay system.

How will any objections to her all-white suffragette uniform, musings about her penchant for pantsuits, curiosities about why she wore glasses then but not now, and simple questions about her hairstyle be covered with any veracity in one tiny little line?

There’s definitely no room to be confused about how or where Tim Kaine learned Spanish. But can the essay be written in Spanish? Of course it can—keep in mind, Romance languages tend to be pretty wordy.

Designing the architecture of caveats that will accompany votes for Hillary—naturally, all those millions of votes come with millions of caveats—will be extremely difficult given the space constraints cramping the political style of every single thinking citizen of the United States of America.

Perhaps most crucially, there’s hardly enough room for the Bernie Babes & Bros to expound on their trust issues, let alone work through them completely. “Where did all the comfy idealist grandpas go?”—that’s about all you’ll be able to fit, friends.

Just vote? For a woman? Without … clarifying things?

The citizens of the United States of America demand an extra sheet of paper.


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