Recently, La Croix, a media Twitter fad from 2015, has gotten out of control. People write about this water like it is fun and interesting when in fact it is gross and disgusting. Perhaps even more worrying, other people who have the right opinion that La Croix is gross conflate it with all seltzer water. There is an important distinction here: La Croix is bad, seltzer water is good. In fact, La Croix is bad because it is not good, honest seltzer.

La Croix is for people with the gross, coarse tastes of a soda drinker. In his heart of hearts, a La Croix drinker would rather be drinking a Diet Coke, or a Redbull, or fucking Mountain Dew, or some other disgusting thing from the 1990s. They think this is fun. “Look at me, I know how to have a good time, which I define as swallowing gallons of chemicals,” you will often hear a La Croix drinker say. But for “wellness” reasons, they deny themselves what they want. “Oh,” they think. “I can have this thing, which is almost a soda, instead. That is good for me.”

In this sense, La Croix is good. It is a liquid nicotine patch. If it helps even one person get off soda, then it is a net good for the world.

But as a beverage? La Croix is garbage. La Croix is a bitter drink with a strong chemical taste. The very fact that it comes in flavors like coconut and apricot and pamplemousse should tell you, immediately, that it is not going to taste like a real thing, and is instead Bubbleyum for adults. It is like carbonated Crystal Light. “lol I love Crystal Light,” you are probably waggishly thinking to yourself. If so, here is something you should know: you have bad taste, and you are wrong.

People should not drink false beverages like La Croix. They should consume things from the three essential drink groups: coffee, alcohol, and water (sometimes tea). Those are all of the drinks!

Seltzer Water is a fine addition to your drink roster, on the other hand! Honest brands like Schwepps and Canada Dry make delicious, refreshing water with an extreme amount of carbonation. That is fun to drink! And they come in their own cans (plastic bottles are gross), which is great portion control. If you have a case at home, you can have the feeling of having a beer without buying a beer. You can also buy tiny glass bottles of it at liquor stores, which is fun and confuses the cashier who thinks you have forgotten to buy gin. This is good. Seltzer water is good.

DO NOT ACCIDENTALLY BUY CLUB SODA. Club soda is also gross.

Like La Croix.