Horoscopes: May


09_taurusTaurus Apr 20–May 20
Imagine if you can that life is holding out both its hands to you. One hand, the left, is clutching a cluster of golden grapes; the other is just a clenched fist. What could it mean, you wonder? Well, it’s as if life is telling you “here’s the grapes; and here’s the wrath.” Ha ha? To clarify, Taurus, you’re in for a bit of a bumpy ride for the next little while, but don’t forget what to do when life gives you crushed grapes: Get super drunk off the wine.
10_geminiGemini May 21–Jun 21
You never stop, do you, Gem? It’s like Echo and his Bunnymen said, you just never stop, never stop; never, never stop. You’re always onto the next thing, unlocking treasures, finding new holes filled with golden love, looking for answers up in the sky. The king is dead; long live the people who aim above.
11_cancerCancer Jun 22–Jul 22
You’ve been awfully quiet lately, Cancer, which could mean either one of two things: You’re content or you’re busy plotting. Could you be both of those things? No, no, you couldn’t. Some people could, but when you’re happy, Cancer, you don’t plot—you can barely even think! And honestly, maybe that’s good for you. Free your mind, the rest will, um, follow. No master plan—or plot—required.
12_leoLeo July 23–Aug 22
I had a dream about you, Leo, in which you were weaving together all the colors of the world into one huge tapestry, but rather than creating something glorious, with vast multitudes of shades and shimmer, it became a dim, muddled mess. I think what this means is that rather than try and meld disparate parts of your life into one cohesive whole, you need to separate out each strand and let it shine on its own. And, like, give up trying to learn how to knit. It’s so tedious, really.
01_virgoVirgo Aug 23–Sep 22
Remember that episode of The Simpsons where they stay at the Flanderses’s beach house and Lisa suddenly becomes cool and gets all new clothes and has real friends and one of them is Christina Ricci and it’s all very lovely and a super-important reminder that it’s actually possible to change by becoming more yourself, because maybe the only way out is through? That’s such a good episode! That’s all.
02_libraLibra Sep 23–Oct 22
If I could encapsulate what the next month or so will mean for you in one hashtag, it would definitely be #teambonding. Picture this: You and your best teammate on a trip somewhere exotic (Copenhagen? Toronto? The sky’s the limit!) in matching Yankees hats and super-sharp pinstripe suits. Is that A-Rod across the aisle? Dreams do come true.
03_scorpioScorpio Oct 23–Nov 21
You know those quizzes you can take about, like, which Friends character you are? Of course you do. Well, forget anything that accessible for a second, because I just want you to know, Scorpio, that if you were to take the quiz “Which Book on Liv Saga’s Bookshelf Am I?” the answer would be The Final Frontiersman, which I’m sure means something, though I’m not exactly sure what. I haven’t read that book in a very, very long time.
04_sagittariusSagittarius Nov 22–Dec 21
You and me, Sagittarius, we got our own sense of time. The days were long, the nights no longer, if you know what I mean. And I think you do know what I mean. But just in case you don’t: There’s no future and there’s no answer, if we don’t step outside ourselves and this crazy time we’re in and make sense of what we want with our lives. I believe in us; we can do this. Especially you. You’re a hunter. Let’s rip it all up and, if not start over, at least try something new.
05_capricornCapricorn Dec 22–Jan 19
Is there anything more dishonest than love? Yes. Work. I know you agree with me, Capricorn. But do I agree with myself? Or am I just lying to you because it’s my job and I love to do it. Maybe. Because maybe love should be the only truth, with work coming in a close second. Or maybe it’s pain that’s the only truth, and love is pain and so is work, and…and…I don’t have the words for this anymore. I’m going to close my eyes till words make sense again. Are you with me?
06_aquariusAquarius Jan 20–Feb 18
Far be it from me to tell you what to do, Aquarius, but also, here’s what I think you should do for the next few weeks: Get weird. I don’t mean, like, order extra dressing with your super-delicious lunchtime salad, I mean throw caution to the fucking wind and take what you want without considering the consequences. Because you know what the consequences are? That you’ll get to be as happy as you deserve. It’s about damned time.
07_piscesPisces Feb 19–Mar 20
I’m not very old, Pisces, not compared to the stars or the ocean. I’m still young enough to have spent much more than half my life in school. I learned a lot there. But the place where I’ve learned the most, the place where I’ve really grown, is a place of love. Do you feel that too? That love is pushing you into all sorts of new places of light and shadow and raw, sharp insight? I think you do. I hope so.
08_ariesAries Mar 21–Apr 19
Everyone has a favorite childhood game. I think, Aries, that yours was the one where you spin around in a circle, over and over and over again, until you fall down in a soft slump on the grass, stars in your eyes, the blood spiraling in your head. You were too young to know that being out of control could ever be considered a bad thing. Now’s the time to pick up that spirit of abandon again; pick it up and take it for a spin and see what happens.


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