Horoscopes: April


08_ariesAries | Mar 21–Apr 19
What does home mean for you, Aries? It’s complicated, I know. Isn’t everything? But, for you, perhaps nothing is more fraught than the idea of putting down roots. Yours have been torn up too many times. Sometimes you’ve done the dirty work; sometimes it’s been out of your hands. No matter. It’s time to look up and ahead. Forget roots. Play around in the branches. Find shelter up there.

09_taurusTaurus | Apr 20–May 20
There’s a part in Edith Wharton’s The House of Mirth in which lovely, doomed Lily Bart is described as being “so evidently the victim of the civilization which had produced her, that the links of her bracelet seemed like manacles chaining her to her fate.” Lately, Taurus, I think you’ve been feeling that same way, like the beautiful baubles adorning you are holding you back. Maybe it’s true. Or maybe you should check your pocket for the key.

10_geminiGemini | May 21–Jun 21
When I close my eyes and think about you, Gem, all I see in the darkness in front of me are these words from Marguerite Duras’s The Lover: “Very early in my life it was too late.” What situation are you in now that makes you feel that way? Like you’ve been slowly lowered into boiling water, your skin turning pink and tender, the world warping and rippling around you? Get out. Or don’t. You might be past the point of any return.

11_cancerCancer | Jun 22–Jul 22
Hibernation isn’t something we normally associate with spring; winter is when you hunker down. But for you, Cancer, I recommend taking the next little while to sit at home and reflect on what it is you have around you, figure out what you should carry with you into the future, and prepare to say goodbye to the things that you not only don’t need, but that were never really yours to begin with. This will be freeing. This will be good. I envy you, to be completely honest.

12_leoLeo | July 23–Aug 22
My mother does this thing where she asks me what my plans are four months in the future. She can do this because she’s my mother. But if anyone else tried that? It would be pretty obnoxious. I barely know what I’m doing today, let alone four months from now! But even more than that, what are you doing making plans so far ahead, Leo? Live a little. Delete everything on your calendar. See what happens.

01_virgoVirgo | Aug 23–Sep 22
I want to tell you, Virgo, that I really should have listened to you. You were right. But now that I’ve told you that, I want you to wipe the smile off your face because sometimes it’s not about whether or not you were right, it’s about letting everyone get to a place of discovery and peace on their own terms. Like, we get it, you’re better than us. Just shut up about it once in awhile.

02_libraLibra | Sep 23–Oct 22
Ok, so, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don’t get what it is that everyone is wearing these days. I miss the days of knee socks and sheer blouses that fall to mid-thigh and fit perfectly under cropped silver sweaters. I want to wear headbands, Libra, and I think you do too. And perfectly coordinated exercise clothes just because we can. We can, can’t we? Yes! And let’s go do it on Pismo Beach.

03_scorpioScorpio | Oct 23–Nov 21
Ever feel like you’re trying to run up a hill and it turns out that the hill isn’t even a hill but is actually a mountain but then the mountain isn’t a mountain but is actually a cliff? And then you fall off the cliff but it’s ok because at its base is a huge feather mattress. Except, uh, you just fell off a cliff. A feather mattress won’t save you. What will save you? Or are you actually, inevitably doomed? Just kidding. Go back to sleep, Scorpio. It’s only a dream.

04_sagittariusSagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21
You stay up too late, Sagittarius. I worry you’re not getting enough sleep. But you’re not one to follow anyone’s advice about what’s good or bad for you. And I respect that. You just do what needs to be done. As long as you’re up though, may I recommend howling at the moon every once in awhile? Let your inner wolf out. I know she’s in there.

05_capricornCapricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
Je t’aime, Je t’aime: Is there a more perfect name for a film that’s all about lying and trying to go back in time and then trying to go forward in time but getting stuck somewhere in between and, oh, yeah, killing your depressed wife and trying but maybe failing to kill yourself? No! There isn’t. It’s perfect, Capricorn. And who doesn’t love perfection?

06_aquariusAquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18
What’s the saying? When life hands you olives stuff them with jalapeño peppers and put as many in your mouth as you can handle? And then wash it down with some good red wine (steer clear of bubbling orange varietals) until everything feels just right again? Yeah, that’s the one, Aquarius. So do all that, definitely, and maybe by the time you’re done gorging yourself on all things good, on all the things you deserve, other, baser problems will have worked themselves out.

07_piscesPisces | Feb 19–Mar 20
You claim, Pisces, to be all about pleasing others, but sometimes it seems like that’s just more of a byproduct of pleasing yourself. The thing is, you’re so good, like, spectacular even at making people happy that it’s easy to forget that you’re also in it for your pleasure. Maybe it’s time you practiced some austerity for awhile. And then rebuild your understanding of what pleasure is, for both the giver and the receiver.


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