Feb 1, 2016
Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18
For such a commonly used word “and” holds a lot of power. Using “and” complicates the most straightforward of statements. Think: Elizabeth Bàthory was a countess and serial killer. “And” changes everything. (So did Bàthory’s proclivity toward literally bathing in the blood of virgins but that’s a story for another time.) This applies to you, Aquarius, because you should start thinking of other things you want to do which will completely change people’s perceptions of you. And then do them. Just don’t bathe in the blood of virgins, who are, like, really hard to find these days.
Pisces | Feb 19–Mar 20
The other day I was reading a list of Susan Sontag’s likes and dislikes and while I agreed strongly with some of her likes (coarse salt, large long-haired dogs) and some of her dislikes (being photographed, washing my hair) one of the dislikes tripped me up: couples. In the past, I’ve held an automatic disdain for those whose identities are wrapped up in their relationship. But I know you’ve always embraced coupledom, Pisces, and while that used to make me skeptical, now I think you’re ready to not just be part of a happy twosome, but also something greater than the sum of what are already pretty great parts.
Aries | Mar 21–Apr 19
I’ve been thinking a lot about reinvention, Aries, and the things we have to destroy in order to rebuild. You’re particularly prone to destruction—you breathe fire after all. But whereas this type of scorched earth policy can work on a grand scale in a utilitarian way, it’s really important right now to hold on to the things—and people—that are close to you in order to forge a new future.
Taurus | Apr 20–May 20
Taurus, when I think about you, my vision goes red. Not due to rage, but rather… love! Here’s the thing: It’s not just related to romance. Rather, this kind of love is of the self-oriented variety, by which I don’t just mean that you should spend your next month masturbating (though: do you). Instead, figure out all the things that can make you happy and be the person who satisfies those needs for yourself.
Gemini | May 21–Jun 21
Here are the things I think you need more of in your life this month, Gem: Sunsets (but seen from vantage points other than your office), long walks (but not of the how-much-will-this-contribute-to-your-daily-10,000-steps variety), Sunday mornings in bed (not because you’re sleeping), and that Justin Bieber dance class in Bushwick. You can always forget about the first three things, but definitely become a Belieber.
Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22
Not too long ago, you made some pretty big decisions that felt less like choices and more like mandates. By which I mean, you did things back then because you felt like you were backed into a corner, almost. At least, that’s what you kept telling yourself and others around you. Well, here you are now in a corner of your own making and you feel a little trapped. But look! There’s a window! You painted over it, but I think that if you work hard enough, you should be able to open it and wriggle through.
Leo | July 23–Aug 22
You are the sun, Leo, and yet lately, when I think of you, all I see is the moon. The thing about the moon is that we can actually look at it and study all of the distant mountains and valleys on that plump pearl in the dark sky. But we can only do that because of the sun’s light. All of which is to say, you’ve been working too hard helping other people shine lately, Leo. Sadly, you kind of have no choice, because when you take center stage, you literally burn people’s skin off. Um. Sorry? It’s hard being the center of everything.
Virgo | Aug 23–Sep 22
Sometimes I think you’re the living embodiment of a fortress, Virgo, impossible to understand, impenetrable and stalwart. And then other times, when you let down your guard… no, just kidding. You never let down your guard. Isn’t that exhausting? Is that why, when you sleep, you sleep the sleep of the dead? It’s too bad, really, because it’s impossible to dream that way. And your dreams are always so wild and free. Like you could be.
Libra | Sep 23–Oct 22
This is a good time of year to live by the answer to the question that you should really be asking yourself all year, namely: What would Britney Spears do? Living more like Britney will undoubtedly lead to experiences that most people don’t ordinarily have, like becoming a mermaid for an afternoon, wearing enough black eyeliner that you get mistaken for the most adorable racoon to ever live, and dancing till the world ends. Seriously, though, as long as you steer clear of electric shavers, what could go wrong?
Scorpio | Oct 23–Nov 21
Sometimes it’s possible to look out into the world and recognize yourself in it and take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone, that your thoughts don’t exist in a vacuum and there’s other people out there who embody or at least identify with them. Other times it feels like everything is alien and you are alone in the most existential meaning of the word. Lol “other times.” That’s actually most times. Oh well, nothing like embracing a little nihilism for 2016.
Sagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21
An anonymous tipster recently told me that you’re in for a blast from the past pretty soon. It’s a very specific kind of blast, one which relies heavily on the universe sending you messages in the form of 15-year-old Weezer lyrics. So listen up, because the voice of god, aka a 90s-geek idol is talking. And you’ll want to listen.
Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
What’s your favorite karaoke song, Capricorn? Mine is “I Started a Joke” by the BeeGees. Here’s the thing though: It’s really hard to sing. In other words, I tend to set myself up to fail a lot of the time. Like, why wouldn’t my favorite be a song I could more easily slay? Anything by Madonna, for example. I don’t know! Are you wondering how this applies to you? If you are, then you’re not thinking hard enough.
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