First, Hillary Clinton pandered to millennials by saying she wanted to be “as good a president as Beyoncé is a performer.” Then—in case that wasn’t enough to convince almost every voting youth that Hillary Clinton was cool—we learned she’d appear on an episode of the next season of Broad City. Boom. She’s not only getting the millennial-vote with that one, she’s getting—as I learned when I saw Abbi and Ilana talk at 92 Street Y this summer—the vote of a hip older demographic, too. Everyone likes that show! Hillary Clinton really covered all her bases.
Except: Hillary Clinton realized she hadn’t, because those campaign stunts left out one very important voter demographic: Hispanics. So she addressed this oversight extra hard today with a special listicle: “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your abuela.”
But wait! Before we even start reading this list which has nothing to do with policies that would affect the community to whom she is speaking, she buttered up her readership even more with this painful subhead: “She isn’t afraid to talk about the importance of el respeto.” Dios mío. Fantastic. Now I can feel even more comfortable diving into these 7 things, knowing she’s got respect in mind the whole way through.
Here are some highlights: Hillary is just like your abuela because she reads to kids at night, and because she uses emphatic Spanish commands like “Basta!” when speaking publicly to Donald Trump. She also sort of sass-shakes her head in reaction to people who “le faltan el respeto” (don’t respect her), you know, exactly like your abuela does in this same situation. Finally, you know how everyone loves your abuela? Everyone loves Hillary, too, even Marc Anthony! (There is a lovely picture inserted of the two of them, arms around each other.)
So, mission accomplished, Hillary Clinton. Now you have officially pandered to all of your voter demographic bases. Only problem is, your latest target is pretty pissed off about this horrible listicle (“I am being pandered to on all fronts. It’s getting to the point where I’ma save my gay/Latino/Millennial vote for my real abuela and write her onto the damn Ballot,” tweets Eliel Cruz.) Turns out Hillary Clinton might have just lost the most important voter of all: everyone on the Internet. And probably their abuela too.