Dec 1, 2015
Sagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21
Hero worship is a funny thing. It’s also a fun thing. What’s more fun than love, after all? Haha. Just messing with you, Sag. There’s so much that’s more fun than love, which is a state of being more akin to a nonstop dance with depravity, darkness, and depression than, like, fun. And that’s just when it’s real. So, what’s my point? Just that maybe worshipping your heroes isn’t the healthiest thing for you to be doing right now. Try laughing at them instead.
Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
Have I ever told you, Capricorn, that I own a shirt—skin-tight and blood-red—that bears your astrological symbol in gold? What’s strange about that is: I’m not a Capricorn. But I own this shirt because I feel a connection to you, Cap, and right now I feel like you’re hurting. Oh, you’re not saying anything about it. That’s not your style. But maybe try to give someone a sign? You could use the help.
Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18
In the words of the greatest lyricist of all time, one Jesse Katzopolis of Jesse and the Rippers: “If every word I said could make you laugh, I’d talk forever.” Well, Aquarius, I feel like that about you: I just want to make you happy. Like deliriously, shaking from the bottom of your soul happy. But even though I want to do it, I can’t do it. That kind of happiness is up to you to provide for yourself. Think about where and with whom you want most to seek it out. Then go get it.
Pisces | Feb 19–Mar 20
I feel like it’s not been so long since you’ve been the subject of idle gossip, which is all the more harmful for how careless it is, and how indiscriminate its target—in this case, your feelings. But I see a big change for you right now, Pisces. I see you becoming the subject of idol gossip, which is to say that people are going to be… no, they’re already talking about you in the most flattering of terms. They love you. We all do.
Aries | Mar 21–Apr 19
Why have you been so down lately, Aries? Oh, stop denying it. You’re denying it, right? Stop! It’s ok sometimes to let deep blue moods sweep over you and settle in, but you’re going to wind up playing a really intense game of catch up sooner or later, and I think you should start, like, yesterday. Because you haven’t really fallen too far yet. Don’t let yourself get past the point of recovery.
Taurus | Apr 20–May 20
I see you’ve been having some dark nights lately, Taurus. This is a good thing! All the best things happen at night. It’s when we get our best ideas, the best animals with the biggest eyes and tiniest ears come out to play, plus ghosts and strangers visit us in our dreams. Nighttime is pretty good. Enjoy it, Taurus. You are its queen.
Gemini | May 21–Jun 21
Remember how just a little while ago you thought your future was wide open, Gem? And now it’s rapidly narrowing so that you can actually see something that looks like a path… no, a straight-up road in front of you? Are you scared by all that definition? Don’t be. What is wrong with you? This is the road you made. This is the road you want to be on. Get in a fast car and fly. You earned it.
Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22
You know how Katy Perry has that weird lyric in “Firework” where she asks if you ever feel like a plastic bag? And it’s really strange because what does that have to do with anything and also, like, no, you don’t? Well, ok. Except! Lately, you have been feeling like a plastic bag, haven’t you? Drifting and deflated. Why is that? What did you do to make yourself feel that way? Figure that part out and maybe you’ll start feeling like a firework. Not, like, fireworks plural. Just the one firework. Boom. Pfft.
Leo | July 23–Aug 22
Do you believe in signs, Leo? Of course you do. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t, right? But also, can I recommend you start paying closer attention than ever to the many, many signs around you right now? Many are going to take the pretty banal forms of things like vanity license plates or splatters of coffee on the ground, but don’t mistake the ubiquity of these messages for some sort of impotency. These signs are strong. They’re telling you something. What is it? I don’t know! They aren’t my signs. It’s up to you to interpret them.
Virgo | Aug 23–Sep 22
You sometimes get a bad rap, Virgo. You’re a perfectionist, after all, and that can be hard to deal with for most people. But lately, what’s been most apparent about your character is your generosity of spirit, your willingness to compromise and be a goddamned ray of sunshine each and every morning. Um, is everything ok? You give us whiplash, Virgo, you really do.
Libra | Sep 23–Oct 22
I have one thing to tell you, Libra. Baby, as long as you love me, one way or another, you & I, we’ll go in one direction all around the world. After all, you’re beauty and I’m the beat; when we’re together, there’s one less lonely girl. What makes you beautiful, Libra—all that matters—are the little things, the midnight memories. Let’s live while we’re young.
Scorpio | Oct 23–Nov 21
For most people, the never-ending summer we’ve been having this year is a blessing. But not for you, Scorpio. Some like it hot, but you like it cold. Hey, I get it. I like a little ice with my fire too. Well good news: It’s about to get chilly and the wind’s going to blow and everything will seem like it’s about to collapse, but really, things are getting stronger. And better. Everything’s getting better.
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