First Time at an Orgy?

By Kristin Iversen

Ruler of the orgy

Without rules, we are nothing. This, anyway, is what I’ve been thinking lately, as I drift somewhat aimlessly through my nights and days, realizing ever more clearly that my lack of an internal sense of order or even much in the way of a code to live by has necessarily resulted in an inescapable sense of ennui, one that could probably be gotten rid of if I just had any discipline, or some sort of sense of external structure. Or maybe relevant pharmaceuticals. But so, etiquette: Its inherent importance to both society and the self is what’s been on my mind lately, as well as the fact that, like, even if I don’t wind up actually adhering to the rules I attempt to adopt, it’s nice to know they’re there, when and if I need them; basically, it will be interesting to have some sort of sense of what I should be doing, even when I resolutely do the opposite of it. Or, you know, as Bob Dylan once sang, to live outside the law, you must be honest. And I want to be honest! Which brings me to the topic at hand: orgies.

While orgies would seem to be relatively lawless events (see: relentless carousing and group sex), nothing could be further from the truth. At least, this is what I’ve been learning lately by keeping a close eye on the media, which seems to have recently become inundated with orgy stories, on topics ranging from what it’s like to be a “wallflower” at an orgy to how many people need to be present for group sex to actually qualify as an orgy. And then there’s the fact that 3nder just raised $500,000 in seed capitol from angel investors who prefer to remain anonymous. (And, no, a threesome is not an orgy, but it’s something? It’s not nothing anyway.)

So in light of how trendy group sex is right now and how trends all follow certain patterns or at least cycles (read: rules), I can’t help but think that if there were ever a need for a quick guide to your first time at an orgy, this would be it. And so I offer these few rules—all drawn from more knowledgeable sources than me—in the spirit of helpfulness, yes, but also to honor the kind of discipline that better enables the freest possible existence.

Guide to Your First Time at an Orgy

Determine whether or not it’s actually an orgy. Are there more than seven people participating? Then, yes. You are at an orgy.
Do not be afraid to be open about your proclivity for group sex. Only old people are worried about connecting via Facebook to arrange their orgies. And you don’t want to be the old person at the orgy, do you? No, you do not.
Do not have a bad attitude, this is especially appreciated if you are not “Lorenzo Martone good-looking.”
When snacks are offered to you, especially when they consist of “sugar cookies and strawberries” and are offered by “a naked woman… going from room to room,” take them, even when you’re not hungry.
Wear something creative.
If all else fails, hang out with the resident orgy cat, because pets are always a good substitute for ~~friends~~ ~~love~~ ~~sex~~ every meaningful human interaction imaginable.