Let’s be real, this year has been pretty bleak. Maybe all this holiday “cheer” doesn’t seem quite right this year. Perhaps you feel that celebrations are not really in order. But you’re not going to just sit there in silence now, are you? To help compile this special playlist, we recruited a handful of music heads from around town who aren’t exactly known for their taste in cheerful music. Pull the needle off that Bing Crosby record and toss it in the garbage where, in times like these, it belongs, and crank up the volume on these twisted tunes. We’re positive these anti-holiday ballads and heavy odes to the jolly season will wake up the sheeple in your life. Note: we apologize in advance for the excess of songs by King Douche GG Allin, may he be writhing in eternal pain wherever misogynists go when they finally accomplish the only worthy deed of their existence and leave this planet forever.
Jimmy Duff, owner of Duff’s Brooklyn
As owner of Williamsburg’s least ambiguous heavy metal bar, Jimmy Duff was definitely at the top of our list for Scrooge tune curators. For heaven’s sake, the man drives a hearse. We figured Duff could offer us some solid advice, after all his bar is coated from floor to ceiling in metal ephemera and kitschy porn, and customers have the chance to spin the “Wheel of Misfortune.” Prizes include free shots and a chance to be banished to the gimp cage for 20 minutes. Hark the herald angels sing.
1) “Fuck Christmas” – FEAR This, of course, is the sledgehammer obvious choice for #1.
2) “Red Water (Christmas Mourning)” – Type O Negative This slab of sonic depression could only be from the masters, Type O Negative. A tale of loss and mourning,and as a bonus, the Christmas tree gets knocked over in the middle of the song, much to the children’s chagrin – Winning !!!
Bill Dozer, owner of The Anchored Inn and The Acheron
4) “Less the Merrier” – Night Birds From their Born to Die in Suburbia LP, this is one of the few tracks here that isn’t on a Christmas or holiday-themed 7” or compilation. It’s just stuck in the mix of one of the best genuine punk fucking rock records to come out it years. Yeah, you can say that Night Birds totally rip off D.I. or Adolescents, but who cares? They do it well, and they give me the same stoke those bands did.
5) “White Christmas” – The Fuck Ups Nope, not a cover of the Irving Berlin standard, but rather a send-up of “White Power” by Skrewdriver. How’s that make you feel, Old Nick?
6) “Sock It To Me, Santa- 1986” – The Lazy Cowgirls Bob Seger cover. Rips off James Brown. What the hell else do you want?
7) “Fuck Christmas” – Fear The classic. Nobody has ever done the confrontational-sleaze-bag-who-would-actually-kick-your-ass better than Lee Ving. While this isn’t the first anti-christmas song, it’s among the very very best.
8) “Santa’s Gonna Get His Head Kicked In Tonight” – The Stocking Stuffers I don’t really know much about this band, but the credits did let me know that while the more well-known version of this song is by the Rezillos, the original was by Fleetwood Mac. WTF?
9) “Merry Christmas (I fucked your snowman)” – The Showcase Showdown Yeah, that’s right. I was totally bonkers for pogo punk in the ’90s. Sloppy. Immature. Rude. Wasted drunk. I almost get a little tear in my eye for those halcyon days when I listen to snippets of nostalgia like this.
10) “GG Allin’s Christmas Song” – GG Allin This is a no-brainer, and possibly the most wretched tribute to mom’s favorite holiday. Here is the master of the depraved’s version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” and it’s every bit the grotesque mockery you’d want and expect. Merry Fucking Christmas, you shitbag.
Kim Kelly, contributing editor at Noisey, and her work has also appeared in Spin, Rolling Stone, Jezebel, Pitchfork, and more.
Kim Kelly, AKA @GrimKim, knows a thing or two about the darker side of popular music. Just take a look at her latest work over at Vice’s Noisey: Italian black metal, crust punks, noise, drone, death metal. From what we can tell, she’s a huge fan of Bathory, which in our book 100 percent qualifies you as someone who shares our disgust of all things Yule.
1) “Black Christmas” – Venom
2) “Grim and Frostbitten Kingdoms” – Immortal
6) “A Cruel Taste of Winter” – My Dying Bride
Descend even deeper into despair with Aaron Stainthorpe’s velvety, aristocratic croon. There’s a reason My Dying Bride remains one of the UK’s most revered harbingers of doom, and this supremely mournful track off The Dreadful Hours is a fine example of why.