Perpetually anxious parents of Park Slope, a PSA: We regret to inform you that an all-Nutella establishment by the name of ‘Nutelleria’ is coming for your children, and it is armed with the wicked sorcery of creamy chocolate, hazelnuts and impenetrable brown stains. Nowhere is safe.
Park Slope Stoop reports that Nutelleria will be run by a group of “Nutella enthusiasts that decided to share our love of Nutella with the rest of the world,” a.k.a., evil cult leaders who have come to recruit your dessert-only-on-very-special-occasions children and turn them into jar-licking, goop-covered sugar monsters.
In case you’ve convinced yourself this might be one of those conspiratorial Internet jokes you’ve been hearing so much about lately, it is not, in fact, akin to the ultimately fraudulent Loose Pregnant Taratantula Scare of Mid-2014: Nutelleria already has signage at its shop on 82 Fifth Ave between St. Marks and Warren. On the menu, there will reportedly be crepes, a “breakfast pizza” with cream cheese, fruit and Nutella, and sandwich made out of waffles that combines both Nutella and bacon.
As a preventative measure, we recommend avoiding Fifth Ave from Flatbush to Washington Park entirely, as it will be overrun with the devilish aromas of both hazelnuts and bacon, as well as the damned spawn of weaker parents who have succumbed to such accursed temptations.
Follow Rebecca Jennings on Twitter @rebexxxxa.