Let’s All Talk About the 2014 Emmy Nominations

Let's All Air Our Emmy Nomination Greivances

This morning, the 2014 Emmy Nominations were announced, and as usual, most of them were either a) extremely predictable (Modern Family and Mad Men both got their zillionth nom), b) really delightful (so much OITNB! And Veep! And Louie!) or c) tragic enough to make us lose all faith in the sacred practice of actors presenting other actors with awards, such as The Big Bang Theory still being a thing that is on television and receiving accolades for it.

And as our office is naturally abuzz with people who spend far too much time caring about these things, we asked our editorial staff to air their most fiery grievances with this year’s nominees, including who was heartlessly neglected (pretty bold to make Mindy Kaling read those comedy actress noms, no?) and whether or not any of it even matters.

Nikita Richardson:
“My main grievance with this year’s Emmys is that too many actors from my favorite shows are up against each other in the same categories and I don’t know how to feel. First conflict, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are both up for Outstanding Actor In A Drama for Season 1 of True Detective. Ideally, they’ll both win and then give a speech at the same time that is chockfull of outdated Southern adages and yet deeply profound at the same time. And then McConaughey will grab Woody’s face and give him a big kiss… I don’t know where this is going, but both of them winning is what I want.”

“My second conflict of conscience: Which of the three Orange Is The New Black actresses nominated for Outstanding Guest Actress In A Comedy do I want to win? Natasha Lyonne (Nicky), Uzo Aduba (Suzanne/Crazy Eyes) or Laverne Cox (Sophia)? Why would they pit them against each other like that?! But if I had to choose, I’d go with Uzo Aduba. She played such a pivotal role in the Season 2 of OINTB, effortlessly crossing that line from funny-crazy to scary-crazy. ”

“And finally, the battle of the Kates: Kate Mulgrew (Red from OINTB) versus Kate McKinnon of Saturday Night Live. I was so thoroughly impressed with both this past year (especially Red’s fall from grace in Season 2), but I have to go with Kate McKinnon. She’s the best SNL has to offer right now and the show would be unwatchable without her.”

Jessica Militaire:
“Finally, Joan gets her due! But I can’t deny my agitation by Elisabeth Moss’ absence from any category. Peggy is an integral part of Mad Men–as integral as Jon Hamm’s Don Draper, maybe, whose nomination for Best Actor roster was well-deserved. Moss, though, was robbed.”

Mel Johnston:
“I’m glad to see Lena Dunham nominated. We saw Hannah go through some difficult stuff this past season—the death of her grandmother and her e-book editor, jealousy over Adam’s Broadway success, and the totally drab side of having a day job just to pay the bills. In typical Hannah Horvath fashion, however, her own insecurities tended to drown out the actual issues at hand. If we’re being honest, though, there weren’t too many memorable developments for the other major characters this season anyway. Marnie’s constant struggle to find herself? Yawn. This season, most folks were only tuning in to see how Hannah would handle the latest curveball, so this nom feels deserved.”

Rebecca Jennings:
“I’ve already expressed my opinions about The Big Bang Theory, but because the Emmys keep talking about it, then I guess I have to, too. The Big Bang Theory is the worst. It’s sexist and pretty racist, but what’s far more offensive to me is the idea that Kaley Cuoco would consent to dating someone with Leonard’s forehead. That was mean. I’m sorry. I hate this show so much.”

“This is a really unpopular opinion of mine, but I’ve managed to convince some people in the past, so here goes: Game of Thrones blows. I was pretty into season one, but since then, I’ve left every single episode disappointed. And it’s not because of the production quality, the acting or even the writing. It’s because the source material sucks. George R. R. Martin is a shitty writer, yeah, but a lot of shitty writers know how to craft a good narrative. George R. R. Martin doesn’t. (And he’s kind of a dick. And he spends way too much time thinking and writing about 13-year-old girls’ breasts.) Even that stuff could be overlooked, though, if George R. R. Martin knew where he was going with this story, which isn’t even done yet, and it’s starting to become very apparent that he has absolutely no idea how the narrative is going to wrap up in a satisfying way. I don’t mean satisfying like “Arya lives!” I mean satisfying like, does this story matter in any way? Is there any purpose to any of this? Or does George R. R. Martin just need an outlet for his innate dickish, pedophilic, sci-fi fantasy tendencies? In season two and three, everything about the show was leading the audience to believe that there was about to be a multi-side battle for the Iron Throne between the Lannisters, Daenerys Targaryen’s growing army, Stannis and maybe some Littlefinger action in there, multiplied by the threat of the White Walkers in the North. That’d be cool, right? And after the battle, there could be like, a totally new order and opportunities for so much more story, right?! So far, none of that has come to fruition. Daenerys Targaryen decided to just sit tight for a sec and “rule” by basically just making harrowed expressions while people kneel at her feet. Though there is plenty of violence and sex and cliffhangers and other stuff that, when done well, can sometimes add energy to a good story, Game of Thrones repeatedly misleads us to believe that something of actual value is *THIS CLOSE* to actually occurring and that we should TOTALLY KEEP WATCHING and THE NEXT BOOK IS SO GOOD and WE PROMISE NEXT SUNDAY SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN… and then George R. R. Martin chickens out and decides to just give up and kill off someone who totally could have done something cool, without bothering to give their death, or even their life, really, any purpose at all. I will definitely watch next season, though.”

“No Food Network Star?!!?!”

“Okay, and on a positive note: Just give Nathan Lane all the guest actor Emmys. And Veep is the best show on television. ”

Phillip Pantuso:
“I don’t give a shit about the Emmys. Talk to me when High Maintenance gets nominated.”

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