“I Was Just Looking For The Boston Market”


No doubt about it, Jets tight end Kellen Winslow has gifted us with the Friday afternoon-iest of Friday afternoon news stories, with bizarre, delightful new details emerging about his November arrest for possession of synthetic marijuana in a Target parking lot. Per the actual police report, there was… quite a bit more going on there.

A witness stated that she saw Winslow masturbating in his vehicle, and the rest goes as follows:

“The cop noticed Winslow was wearing ‘dark colored’ sweatpants and wrote that “his genitals were not exposed.” But the cop also noticed “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console” and plastic bags marked “Mr. Happy” and empty plastic containers of “Funky Monkey” scattered throughout the vehicle.”

When approached by an officer, Winslow allegedly said he was “looking for Boston Market but was lost” (the classic “Boston Market” defense, as it’s known), and has since pleaded guilty to drug possession, but none of the rest. Even better? Winslow apparently has his own Scandal-style fixer, “crisis management” expert Denise White, who implausibly explained the situation as such:

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 4.22.29 PM

Yep, seems legit. All fixed! Plus, if he was stoned and basically done (allegedly) masturbating and as such, suddenly in the mood for a to-go turkey dinner, could this really even be called a lie? We think not.

Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.

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