Welcome to de Blasio’s New York: Everything You Need to Know About Last Night’s Elections

AP c/o businessinsider.com
Presenting your new mayor!  AP c/o businessinsider.com

Just like the oldest most racist wealthiest wisest among us predicted, as soon as victory was declared for Bill de Blasio in yesterday’s mayoral election, chaos erupted. City buses were hijacked. There was an exact recreation of the Crown Heights riots. Plans for a new Warriors movie immediately started taking shape. Our own Henry Stewart went on vacation! And all the Russian billionaires fled the city in their helicopters, leaving trails of hundred-dollar bills in their wake.

Or, you know, none of this happened, because de Blasio has only been elected, none of the real madness will take shape until January. So while we wait to see what de Blasio’s New York will actually look like, let’s reflect on what everything meant last night, after the votes were counted.



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