Is There Really One “Right” Way To Order An Egg Sandwich?

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  • Garbage.

I mean, of course not. People should eat what they want the way they want it, with a couple specific, inflexible exceptions like Philly Cheesesteaks, and even those rules only exist to keep the people taking your order from being mean to you. Usually if someone’s badgering you about your choice of food, they’re trying to do that shitty “see, you’re not a local” thing, and who cares. But, what can I say. It’s the middle of the week in the middle of the laziest time of year, someone on the Brooklyn Subreddit fired a self-described “opening shot” in the war over the “proper” way to eat an egg sandwich, and, well, I’ll bite. Thinking about sandwiches is a nice way to spend time.

So, let’s get into this. The main debate on the thread was intended to be over roll versus bagel (the original poster is staunchly in favor of “ON A ROLL” and others likened bagel use to “putting burgers on pizza,” but I’m not so sure), but it spiraled out of control pretty quickly to include croissants (too oily with too much give to be a truly decent base), English muffins (good but too small) , flagels (flattened bagels, mainly available at Bergen Bagels), bialys (eh) or biscuits (I mean, in an ideal world, sure, but let’s work with what we’ve actually got). Questions were also raised about toasted versus un-toasted, ketchup use, and proper cheese and meat pairings.

All of which is completely arbitrary. Get a bagel if you’re hungrier, get it toasted if the deli’s bread tends not to be fresh, spring for bacon if you’re at a place where “bacon” doesn’t mean “shapeless slabs of fat,” avoid sausage anywhere that isn’t sort of fancy, and get whatever kind of goddamn cheese you want. The whole point of sandwiches in permutations. The whole point of sentience is the ability to feel, and make choices. And I guess the whole point of starting arguments about this kind of thing on the internet is that it’s a way to kill time (and find out about other people’s diets), even if the true “correct” answer to your question is unknowable. Well, unless it’s coming from the person who tried to convince everyone that a bacon, egg and cheese with hot sauce on a cinnamon raisin bagel is good. That person is wrong.

Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.

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