So, Jay-Z. We all know him. We all love him, or at least, we love his wife. But so anyway, Jay-Z. As you probably know, he is part owner of the Brooklyn Nets, or at least was. He’s selling his share in the team now that he’s entered the exciting world of sports management. And, well, who cares right? I don’t really care. Some people care, I guess, and they’re making Jay-Z feel bad. Poor Jay-Z! He feels so bad that he released a song wherein he calls everyone “dweebs” who bought Nets tickets. You guys, Jay-Z’s feelings are hurt. And when Jay-Z’s feelings are hurt, he releases really, really terrible songs.
But that kind of behavior shouldn’t be rewarded. So instead of spending all your money on buying Jay-Z’s share in the Nets, here are five other ways that you can spend $350,000. Because, oh yeah, Jay-Z’s share in the Nets was so small (like, less than 1%) that it’s only worth $350,000. Which, sure, that’s a lot of money. But it’s not an inconceivable amount of money. However, you don’t want to give Jay-Z—who, remember, thinks you’re a dweeb—the satisfaction of getting your hard-earned money. He’d probably just go spend it in Cuba or North Korea or Iran or something because all three of those places are exactly the same and deserve to be official enemies of the State. Except, oh wait, not exactly the same at all. But whatever. Who has time for political nuance here? Not me. I have an imaginary $350,000 to spend.