While many of us have been sitting back thinking “eh, serves the fatties right” when anyone tries to rile us up about Bloomberg’s proposed ban on sodas larger than 16 ounces, a much more sinister plot, affecting the skinny, the fat, and the skinny-fat alike, has been in the works: Attorney General Eric T. Schneiderman is looking to crack down on our beloved energy drinks, according to The Observer.
Reportedly, Schneiderman is spearheading a probe on “the advertising, marketing, promotion, ingredients, usage and sale” of the chemically sketchy energy drinks we’ve all come to depend on for daily functionality.
On the grounds that they’re supposedly “marketed to teenagers as a diet supplement” and “not forthcoming about disclosing ingredients” or whatever, the probe will investigate Monster, AMP, and 5-Hour Energy. Unscathed in the debacle thus far are the venerable folks at Red Bull.
The issue is currently being tackled on a state level since the F.D.A. more or less abandoned its crusade against energy drinks after issuing a warning about proper labeling, choosing instead to focus on caffeine-and-alcohol combos like Joose and Four Loko. The problem here is that wily teens have figured out that you can still mix alcohol and caffeine, even if the pairing doesn’t come pre-packaged anymore. Little bastards.
In any case, the investigation is pending, and stock shares for energy drinks have already fallen. If I could share any know-how from my survival of the Great Four Loko Crackdown Of 2010, it would be this: start hoarding, and start doing it today, regardless of whether or not anyone has made mention of an actual “ban” yet. The room under your bed and in your closet will expand to match your
addiction determination. We will all get through this.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.