Brooklyn Has Less Honest Residents Than Manhattan, Says Made Up Study

My work here is done!
  • “My work here is done!”

Do you spend your days waiting for surveys to tell you how things/people really are in this crazy big city? No? Too bad.

Today, the noted behavioral researchers at Coca Cola bring us the feelgood scientific news that New Yorkers, nay, Americans as a whole, are much more honest than we thought.

Except in Brooklyn.

It went down like this: kiosks were set up around the city offering unattended bottles of Honest Tea for a $1 contribution, and as a whole, 92 percent of New Yorkers actually did the right thing instead of just taking their free, vaguely fancy iced tea.

I guess this is pretty nice, but there are two snags here. The first is that other cities had rates that were even higher, so we’re not as special as we thought. The second, more egregious problem is that the location with by far the worst rate — just 61 percent of people paid for their tea — was also the study’s only Brooklyn location, at the Atlantic Terminal.

Way to make us look like dicks, guys.

Plus, the project’s “National Honesty Index” website throws even more shade at our unsuspecting borough. Brooklyn is listed as the least honest of all five boroughs, and the location where someone “tried to steal our duct tape.”

Yeah, this is technically based on “data collected,” but come on! Lighten up and just let us live, guys!

Anyway, based on this data, are we wasting our lives out here? Is civil engagement a worthless exercise in diminishing returns and broken dreams? Will I get mugged every time I leave the house from now on?

Eh, probably not. There’s still one group that fared worse than we did: Manhattan rollerbladers. Those jerks only scored 55 percent on the secret tea test.

We will never be as bad as the rollerbladers. Also, not paying for something that is actually sitting out for free sort of… makes a lot of sense?

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