Static
“I got this one for valor in the first secret foreign war I ever fought in,” he said proudly, holding up a soot-stained rabbit’s foot dangling from a thin length of chain. He smiled that half-smile of his again, watching for our reactions. He set the rabbit’s foot down on the table and leaned in close: “You know that murder is not death, don’t you?” he said, watching each one of us very closely. “Murder is stealing,” he moaned.
Jan let out a little giggle and Jenny sat stone-faced and wide-eyed. Somebody’d put another dollar into the digital jukebox across the room, on the other side of the pool table. The music was loud and rhythm-driven. The Colonel stood upright slowly, burying the rabbit’s foot in his pocket.
“I’ve been a lot of things in my life,” he told us, “just like you all. I’ve been a son and a brother and a cousin and an in-law and a student. I’m still a very good student, too, I’ll have you know.” He adjusted the collar of his jacket with both hands, signifying his dignity.
The waitress came by and asked us if we’d like another pitcher. Neither Jan nor Jenny answered, fixated and slightly unnerved, I think, by our uninvited guest. The waitress looked at Colonel Gerald Allan out of the corner of her eye, projecting an assumed annoyance on our part in his direction.
“Sure, we’ll split another one,” I said. We were on vacation, after all, and I was heading to mom and dad’s the next afternoon for some home cooking and laundry. The waitress walked away, watching the Colonel over her shoulder.
“JERRY!” One of the pool players saw me sitting there on his way to the john. He lunged over to our booth, holding out his hand. “Merry Christmas, buddy! Haven’t seen you around! Where ya been, man?!”
It was Luke, a chubby, die-cast member of the fraternity, about to be unleashed on the adult world. He was tall—over six feet—but had pudgy little hands. Luke was all about whatever was happening now. I’d known him from an Intro to Philosophy class we’d taken freshman year but, by design, hadn’t seen too much of him since.
“Man, you missed a great one last night at the Kappa Delta house. Oh shit—you shoulda been there! We turned the hot tub into Jell-o, Jerry! Jell-o!”
The Colonel had moved to a squatted-down position, slightly away from the table, in the shadows, out of sight.
“Alright, man, Jerry! Merry Christmas, buddy!”
The waitress set the pitcher of beer down between me and Jan and Jenny and I paid her. She looked around for the Colonel as she scooted herself along to the next booth. The Colonel stood back up.
“Like I was saying, I’ve been lots of things,” he said. He bent down and rummaged through his old bag again, producing a thin, twisted piece of metal. It looked like it’d been the frame for a license plate on the back of a pick-up truck at some point. “I’m a translator,” he said proudly, holding the piece of scrap metal up in front of him like it was a blue ribbon at the State Fair. “Do you wanna know what it says?” he asked us earnestly.
Jan and Jenny sat dumfounded on either side of me. Neither of them had touched their drinks. The Colonel furrowed his brow, moving the index finger on his free hand along the crusted edge of the unusual document, giving it considerable consideration before he continued.
“It says: ‘We waited for you, but you did not come.’” The Colonel looked at us and then he looked back at the thing he was holding. “I found it by a dead sparrow on the railroad tracks.” He stood there with his rusty Dead Sea Scroll, not necessarily waiting for a reaction from us, but pondering again what he himself had just said, waiting for the meaning to sink in.
“I’ve been many, many things,” the Colonel said, putting away the piece of metal. “I’ve been the chief of police. And I’ve been the head bartender right here at Pierre’s,” he said, gesturing towards the bar. “That was a while ago, though.” A dreamy expression drifted across his face, but he snapped out of it quickly.
“I’ve been a telephone operator.
“I’ve been an undertaker.
“I’ve been a bridge builder and a heart stealer.
“I’ve been a letter carrier.
“I’ve been a cardiologist.
“I’ve been a priest, a rabbi and an imam.
“I rode the Cumberland Gap on a camel and climbed Mount Fuji once upon a time.
“I’ve been a knee-slapper and in a previous life I was Noah and in a previous life before that I was the Ark of the Covenant.