Scorpio | Oct 23–Nov 21 So things didn’t turn out the way you expected: your relationship, your job, your current day. It’s a strange moment (and maybe far more existential than that), but realize it’s also quite exciting. This is the marrow that life is made of, a future of true unknowns. Have faith that things passed are gone for a reason, and the stuff to come will be better for it—you know, at least until it’s not, and something better emerges again.
Sagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21 We understand the tendency to overlook what’s going well in your life with all that you have on your plate, but don’t forget to open your eyes to the small triumphs along the way. Celebrate them. Go ahead and do that, right now, this second: Clap your hands and say “Yeah!” Maybe do a little jump while you clap, like a 3-year-old. Come to think of it, be more like a 3-year-old in general. They’re the best.
Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19
Capricorn, you are a delightful nutball; but sometimes, you can be a real asshole. It’s because you have no patience! But guess what, it doesn’t suit you. And it’s confusing given that you’re generally the best. Look inside: why are you that way, those times you make people you love feel like jerks? The answer is within you, so take care of that, and then get back to being top-notch.
Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18 You still remember it, don’t you, Aquarius? That moment when you breathed in deep, exhaled slow, and felt yourself change. “I’m gonna ride one of those old-timey, bicycles with the dumb way-too-big front tire all the time from here on out,” you said to yourself. “I’m a penny-farthing person now.” Point being, whatever radical reinvention you’re currently plotting may not be built for the long haul either.
Pisces| Feb 19–Mar 20 Take a load off, Pisces. You’ve had enough stress and anxiety over the past few weeks to cover the rest of 2016. The time has come to do one thing: Relax. Sit down on the couch. Drink your coffee. Have some gingerbread cookies. Queue up the Netflix, everything will be fine—but don’t waste your valuable time on a shitty movie, like Music & Lyrics, because you will fucking regret that.
Aries | Mar 21–Apr 19 What are we going to do with you, Aries? Invite you to tapas? Help you organize a neighborhood shoe swap? Ask you for a hand carrying a second laundry bag six blocks back to our apartment? We’re willing to work you into just about anything because you are, currently, a goddamn delight. Trust in your swelling charms, know that your presence is a net plus in November.
Taurus| Apr 20–May 20 Here’s the thing, Taurus. You’re great with people, very funny, the pièce-de-résitance at parties. But, weirdly, you don’t believe any of it—which is part of your charm. Do yourself a favor, though, and get over it. No one is perfect, and fewer people make us thrill in being alive. You do, though! So once you get over yourself, the world, and definitely every cocktail party, will be even more of your oyster.
Gemini | May 21–Jun 21 My dear Gemini, it may seem to you that someone close to you has been drifting away. But while physically, that may be true, it doesn’t change anything. People are busy, especially you. Don’t let it get you down. It’ll take a lot more than a full calendar to tear this love down. It’s real, and it’s spectacular.
Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22 As the weather gets colder, you should consider spiking your coffee with Baileys every morning to make you a little less crabby. Maybe, just maybe, November will bring you some sort of joy. Like maybe you’ll find a full Chipotle gift card on the sidewalk or you’ll get to visit your lover in Poland. But—let’s be real—you probably shouldn’t get your hopes up that high.
Leo | July 23–Aug 22 STOP RIGHT THERE. Whatever you’re doing, do something different. You remember that scene in Seinfeld where George realizes that if all his instincts are wrong, the opposite must be right, leading him to ditch his usual tuna on toast and order a chicken salad sandwich at the diner? We’re not saying you’re doing everything wrong, Big L, but an occasional chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hurt. What’s that you say? You’re a “vegetarian”? Oh. Well, this is awkward.
Virgo| Aug 23–Sep 22 All this time, Virgo, you thought you were a lion, but no, it turns out, you are a wolf, which, in retrospect, makes a lot more sense, right? Lions hunt in the morning, and you definitely prefer the night. Maybe you are a little scrappy, but you get the job done. Just look at the Starks vs. the Lannisters. And what better timing? Winter is coming.
Libra | Sep 23–Oct 22 Bad news, Libra. Your birthday month is over. It was fun, though, right? But with the temperatures dropping, and the holidays slowly approaching, it’s time to turn on some relaxing TV shows about nature, pop open a box of wine, and relax. Watch the world pass while you take a minute to slow down. Think of it as an opportunity to make over your soul.