Libra | Sep 23–Oct 22 We know things have been a little nuts lately, Libra. But we think it’s high time to celebrate you. Take a few minutes to step back and forget about it all. Literally everything. Empty your mind and find a good pool to float in. Two words: spa day. Three more words: long-haired corgi. Four more: watch some fucking football. Five: have like six High Lifes.
Scorpio | Oct 23–Nov 21 So, we had the new Chile Mocha Frappuccino at Starbucks the other day, and it made us think of you. The well-worn comforts of cocoa and vanilla, spiked with an unexpected kick of cayenne, is like the jolt of finding yourself in new surroundings and situations. Have you tried it yet, Scorpio? New surroundings and situations? But also the Frappuccino? We recommend at least one a day (1 new surrounding/situation + 1 Frapp) throughout autumn. Moving to Minnesota and listening to the new Angel Olsen album are other options.
Sagittarius | Nov 22–Dec 21 What exactly did Paul Banks mean when he seethed, “Subway, she is a porno” in Interpol’s early-00s single “NYC.” Nobody knows, Sag. Literally no one. Let this be a reminder that you don’t need to know everything right now. Fake it until you make it, as they (we) say, and keep moving forward—even if it’s a crawl. You know what? New York cares in her own odd fucked-up way.
Capricorn | Dec 22–Jan 19 What was it that sailors know about the sky, Capricorn? The depth and breadth of its crimson, the death or delight that results? You might find yourself feeling landlocked in the midst of fall, pal, but you know a thing or two, too. Make a real effort to confuse your intuition with conviction this month. Gaze up into those grays and pinks, treat them like a blue dot on a Google Map.
Aquarius | Jan 20–Feb 18 You have a crazy costume in the works, don’t you? Is it for Halloween? Is it for Comic Con? Is it just for you, on a Friday night? We won’t judge, Aquarius; you do you, like you always do. Whatever it is, I’m sure it will be great, but don’t forget the people you came with.
Pisces | Feb 19–Mar 20 You’ve got to get your head on straight, kid. We know you’re indecisive in nature, but it’s time to beat that head-on. There’s no need to take two hours to choose a movie on Netflix. You don’t need to scroll through restaurants on Yelp for so long that your friends wind up hating you. Don’t think about what you could be doing, Pisces, just think about what you are doing.
Aries | Mar 21–Apr 19 Ok, we get it, Aries: You want everything you want right now. Cool thing about that is—unlike most of us—you actually know what those things are. But, remember? We can’t always get what we want, least of all not when we want it, and even if we did, maybe it would suck. So, run this test: Live a day, nay, a week, without a plan, without hoping for too much. Remember the other thing someone else said? Good things come to those who wait. And they might even be better than the things you wanted.
Taurus | Apr 20–May 20 Autumn is a time of change, Taurus, which you hate, but remember that fear of change can keep you stuck in the past. It’s okay to grow, to evolve, to trust that sometimes other people have got it figured out, too, and just because their way is different doesn’t make your way right. Remember while you’re fiercely protecting your own that sometimes those outside your circle are deserving of protection as well.
Gemini | May 21–Jun 21 “Everyone is selling dreams until u can buy one,” scumbag merman Ryan Lochte once said (technically Tweeted). What’s your dream, Gemini? Ours it to churn our own butter but that would require physical labor, so we’re holding out until we have a better dream. The point is, Gem, don’t settle.
Cancer | Jun 22–Jul 22 We know, we know, you are working on your “album”. But, Cancer, you’ve been meaning to put that out for, oh my god, years now. This is not your end-all-be-all-raison-d’être-single-life-defining-moment. Is the perpetual delay really a matter of you not having enough time or is it something else completely? Who would Kanye be if he hadn’t put out The College Dropout? Perhaps it’s time to recognize what’s actually important to you, and just accept it. It will come as a relief. Thanks, Yeezy.
Leo | July 23–Aug 22 Just because you got ghosted four times last month, it does not mean you’re unloveable! Get back in the game. Download Tinder. Drink a martini to feel sophisticated. Have sex on the first date. Frolick in the park under the light of the full moon. Do whatever you want, lion, because you can. The stars are in your favor this month. Let the world hear you roar.
Virgo|Aug 23–Sep 22 How familiar are you with cuttlefish, Virgo? Very familiar? Good, good. We ask, because (as you well know) our friend the cuttlefish has some very unusual qualities that lets it, and you, thrive this October. Shape-shifting, for one. Feel free to swim into unknown waters, disguise yourself as a piece of coral until you feel at home. Just as long as your inherent bio-luminescent sparkle isn’t hid forever. Turn on those bright lights, Virgo! Snag the (metaphorical) crab of your dreams.