A good threesome is like finding something in a size small at the Barney’s Warehouse sale: There’s always so many options that you love but nothing that really seems to fit you just right. In my experience, the best threesomes take place with couples; you’re the center of attention and all you have to do is show-up and give it your all.

I first met Adam on one of those gay “dating” apps. He was 6’4 and I was desperate to find out what I could do with a man that tall. I had just had a fight with my now ex-boyfriend that I was in an open-relationship with and was desperate to forget whatever he did to piss me off. Adam lived in Williamsburg and I was already dressed before he sent me his address. Adam made me feel comfortable. He listened to me. He asked me about the relationship I was in. He told me about his. Adam is married and has a wonderful husband who I got to meet the second time we got together. The first, it was just Adam and I. He told me about how in the beginning of his relationship it was off-and-on at least three times but that they’re happy now. It’s like a little kick in the ass when you hear exactly what you need to hear from the person you least expect to hear it from.

Adam and I went upstairs. He sent his husband pictures of us and his husband did nothing but cheer us on. There was something about their relationship that stuck out to me. There didn’t seem to be any jealousy here. They both just wanted each other to have a great time, and didn’t care if they were having it together or apart. All they cared about was that their partner was happy. Jealousy has always been a huge struggle of mine, it may be because I’m an only child or because I never really saw love enacted when I was growing up–but I’m not a therapist and I’d rather not self-diagnose. Afterwards, Adam and I talked more. He told me how to deal with some of the feelings I was having. He offered me a drink and we chatted well into the night.

The next time we got together it was with Adam and his husband, Scott. We sat on the couch and we kissed, we talked and we caught up. I filled Scott in and Adam gave me some more solid advice. After we went upstairs, it was witnessing their relationship dynamic around me that I realized these two had the kind of relationship I wanted. I was squished between their two bodies and they looked at each other with huge smiles on their face, all while still attending to me. Nobody felt threatened that I was there, least of all me. No matter the situation they were in, they just wanted each other to succeed. It didn’t seem to matter that Adam had raved about me, which would’ve made me feel really insecure if I was his husband, instead, they were completely secure in their relationship.

I certainly didn’t expect to find the kind of relationship I want while covered in sweat and lube in the middle of a threesome in Williamsburg, but there I was. And It wasn’t just about the openness of their relationship, it was about the way they treated each other and how happy they seemed. No matter the situation, they both wanted the other one to succeed. They weren’t competing. They were in-tune. It wasn’t about looking hotter than the other or being better than the other. It was just about pleasure. It was about making sure everyone was happy.

It was eye-opening, mostly because the relationship I was in was built on a self-serving, suspicious platform. It was built on moves and countermoves; It wasn’t a relationship, it was a strategy. Their relationship was like an epiphany paired with a killer orgasm. I knew I had to change my situation.

Afterwards, we sat down and we talked. I asked them about how they handled being open. I’m not a huge fan of the open-relationship dynamic but it seemed like whatever they were doing really worked. Their relationship had a solid foundation of trust but was not void of problems. They fought and they bickered, in a healthy and safe way. That’s what I wanted. I wanted to trust the person I was in love with. I wanted the best for him. I didn’t want to have this lingering feeling of worthlessness around me anymore. I wanted what I saw in front of me. I didn’t want a boyfriend that would want to invite someone between us–I wanted a boyfriend who would do that to make both of us happy, if that’s what we decided together would be fulfilling. I wanted him to know that I trusted him in every situation he was in. I wanted his happiness, no matter the situation. I wanted that mutual support. I didn’t want to hide in the shadows anymore at night. I wanted a man that stood at my side and not in front of me. I wanted to hold his hand and succeed together.

Maybe it was the endorphins rushing through my body but I knew what I needed to do. I needed to find out if my boyfriend could be what I wanted him to be. It wasn’t a matter of making him into something he’s not but rather finding exactly what I required. In the end, our relationship came to a close. It wasn’t a fight. There was no screaming or hateful words thrown back and forth. He knew he couldn’t provide for me the way my heart needed. It was a decision. I decided. My threesome was about so much more than finding good sex, it was about my finding out what my own desires were. I was on my own again, but this time, I knew exactly what I wanted.

Illustration by Ashley Lukashevsky.

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