Aubrey Bellamy and Fran Hoepfner are unsigned flirting experts working at the top of their field in social skills and saying good sentences out loud. As a kind and generous act of charity they’ve supplied the world with 50 successful and specific flirts.

WHEN YOU SAY THIS TO ME…

50. [my full name]
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49. “You should check out this restaurant.”
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48. “Oh yeah? What’s it about?”
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47. “Force Majeure was one of the best movies I saw in 2014.”
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46. “Don’t worry, I have cash.”
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45. “Who are your enemies?”
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44. “Dude, your tweet earlier…”
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43. “I agree.”
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42. “We’re not together.”
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41. “I’m listening.”
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WHEN I SAY THIS TO YOU…

40. “I said something similar just the other day!”
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39. “Ah, I’m so bad at this.”
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38. “Oh, haha. I’m great at that.”
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37. “You’re stupid.”
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36. “I’ve never heard this song before!”
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35. “I’m right.”
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34. [repeats a word you said]
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33. “I’m mad at you.”
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32. [calls you wrong name]
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31. “You’re walking me home.”
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ACTIONS, SPEAKING LOUD

30. Responding to my text
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29. Liking an old Instagram photo
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28. Hands in pockets
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27. Facebook poke 🙁
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26. Adding you on Gchat
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25. Telling me you’d never date my friend
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24. Screenshotting a Snapchat
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23. Emailing a #longread

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22. Knowing who my celeb crushes are
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21. Oral sex (giving)
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20. Liking a Venmo transaction
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19. Nodding at your joke
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18. Physically recoiling when we’re about to touch
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17. Sending a Candy Crush life and then never bringing it up
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16. *is Oscar Isaac*
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15. Referencing the Fast & Furious franchise
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14. Cussing (either one of us)
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13. *is French*
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12. *is good-looking*
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11. Charging you one hundred dollars on Venmo
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10. Sending you this emoji
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Aubrey: ghost
Fran: smirky face

9. Apologizing for flirting
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8. Giving you something I have “too much” of
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7. Knowing my drink order
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6. Asking me to be on your podcast
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THE BIG FIVE

5. A Good Razz: (the “Fran” flirt)
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Remember how when you were in college, and you were undecided on a major, some tired academic advisor said, “Well, hey, what is it you like doing?” I have enjoyed a good razz––a solid jab, a tasteful neg, a classic joshing––long before I enjoyed flirting. It’s my true passion in this world. This flirt works two ways: It lets you know that I’m funny and it also informs me whether or not you have a sense of humor about yourself. I lovingly tease everyone near and dear to me, and if you can’t handle it, babe, that’s on you.

4. Handing you something in a funny way: (the “Aub” flirt)
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If I love you then I love to make everyday things difficult for you. It’s just my way, and I’m sorry (but I’m right [see #35]). Oh, you want this newspaper? Here it is–oops! Now it’s on the ground. Guess you gotta pick it up. A pillow for your head? Okay! You sure you didn’t mean you wanted it… on your head? Or, maybe placed just out of your reach? In another room? I’m taking the pillow to another room.

3. Liking your recommendation
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Aubrey: There’s no phrase that inspires skepticism quite as much as “You would love this!” Haha, okay. Love? Sure. Except–wait. Oh. Um. The recommendation is good; it’s great, in fact. So great that it is now in regular rotation or viewing for me and everytime I hear it or see it or read it I will think of you. Might as well tell you I liked it, so you will think of me until the end of time now, too.

2. Showing me your Tinder profile
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Fran: Oh man, is there any act more intimate in the year twenty-sixteen than handing over a phone to show someone you like your Tinder profile? “Here, check out my performed self.” That said, it’s a flirt that requires a certain amount of trust and humility. An earnest critique of a date’s Tinder––or whatever app––profile is an interesting way to get someone to talk about themselves, as well as an easy in to tell them they look cute in pictures.

1. Not responding to my text
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Aubrey: Might as well just scream in my face that you love me and only me.
Fran: Ignore me for five hours so I know it’s real.

All illustrations by Ashley Lukashevsky

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