Jonas is coming! A storm that will carry with it snow, and wind, because—have you forgotten?—it is winter. New York City is hanging out in the system’s northern region (the Mid-Atlantic is about to get rocked, mostly because they have no idea what to do with snow), but here’s the warning the National Weather Service gave New Yorkers: 6 to 10 inches of snow, coastal flooding, and 25 to 35 mile-per-hour winds. Jonas will start unleashing itself at 4am on Saturday, and be out of our business on Sunday by noon.
So while it’s not an ~*End of Times Storm*~ exactly, it is one Mayor de Blasio says you should stay inside for. Know what that means? You can take this storm and do incredible things with it; you can create a Winter Storm Domestic Paradise if you do exactly as I say. Are you ready? Here are your ten steps for being a Blizzard Champion.
1) Get the boring essentials out of the way. Number one thing you do not want to do is begin Blizzard-themed leisure in an unkempt pigsty. Gross. Take out all your garbage. Do not start Jonas surrounded by a lot of garbage. Maybe drop off your laundry, even if you don’t pick it up until Monday. Open the fridge and trash old leftovers. Make room for the good stuff you will soon put in it. Clean your toilet! Nothing like a freshly scrubbed bathroom experience while hanging out at home for hours. Do you have toilet paper? That is so essential. Get that, along with other remaining Obvious Items: water, batteries for the flashlight you should also buy, and candles—they work no matter what.
2) Next, gather your buddies. The good ones—not the buzz kills. But the ones you really, really like. Maybe they are hilarious, and tell detailed, side-splitting anecdotes. Maybe they’re silent experts in the kitchen. Maybe they are wise, like Spock. Whoever they are, they’re top notch. Text them. Get between one and three of them to Blizzard-kill it with you.
3) Select your wardrobe. Slip on big sweatpants. Second option, leggings. But I really cannot overstate the bliss that is pulling on some large loose cotton pants with an elastic waistband. They are simply made for hours and hours of lounging inside, especially during blizzards. Then, choose huge cushy socks. And your shirt? Not very important. Just put one on you like. But before you do all that, make sure you started off with some lovely undergarments. This is not any Winter Storm. This is Jonas.
4) Kitchen supplies. After work, buy some doughnuts. Probably some bacon, too. You’ll want to start your blizzard morning by eating one or both of these things. Next, while at the market, get this for lunch: One whole chicken. It will provide a savory afternoon meal that practically makes itself. All you have to do is absolutely slather it in olive oil, and then stuff lemon and garlic inside the cavity. Throw in some veggies and potatoes for good measure, and roast them, too. This savory feast will satisfy afternoon blizzard stomachs. Ok, now snacks. You’re gonna make a Funfetti box cake, because it tastes amazing and requires nothing from you. Just an egg and some crappy oil. Also, pick up popcorn and a pint or two of bodega ice-cream. Finally, Kettle chips. At least four flavors, but might I recommend you start with Jalapeño, Pepperoncini, Red Curry, and Sea Salt. There you are, you have been Blizzard fed.
5) Time to drink things. Make one thousand percent sure you’re stocked with coffee. Can you imagine starting a Blizzard without coffee? You’re gonna make a pot first thing after you’ve slowly crawled out of bed, and sip it paired with the doughnuts you bought the night before. Have your second cup with bacon. Here are the liquids you’ll need for the rest of your day: bourbon, ingredients for making White Russians, tea for hot toddies, and seltzer water. Anyone who is home all day loves a nice crisp glass of seltzer. Your blizzard thirsts have been quenched.
6) Time to Blizzard pamper yourself. Select a face mask, a hair mask, and bubble bath supplies. Maybe some Epsom salts. Do one (or all) of these self-care activities after breakfast and post-afternoon feast.
7) Time for Blizzard games. I know, games can be no fun, but they can also be so fun. Remember, your best buds are with you, and anything is fun with them. Here are three options for the funnest times: a deck of cards (the possibilities are endless… try cribbage!), an actually good board game, like Settlers of Catan (don’t be a hater), and might I suggest the Dictionary Game? All you need is a dictionary! Open it up, pick a really obscure word, and make everyone write down their own definition for it, before trying to guess the right definition. I have played this for so many hours on end. It is hysterical. Play Dictionary while drinking White Russians.
8) Netflix and Chill (Like, It Will Literally Be Very Chilly) These are the only cold weather and snow-themed movies you should consider: Misery, The Shining (on Netflix!), Groundhog Day, Fargo, The Ice Storm, Let the Right One In (Netflix!), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Thing, White, The Bourne Identity, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, White Earth (also Netflix!). Don’t waste time with mediocre snow movies, like The Day After Tomorrow, or Frozen. Now is not the time for blockbusters or cartoons.
9) Spend Blizzard Time with Your Mind. Maybe your friends have gone home now. Don’t tell them to go—there’s a blizzard outside. But, if they’re gone, welcome back to your very own special Blizzard retreat. I don’t know what your tastes are in books, but here’s my advice: Read one you actually like, or could hate read. Not one you feel like you should read. For example, the last one I tore through as a hate read was Kim Gordon’s Girl in a Band: A Memoir. What an incredible time I had with that book. I like Sonic Youth less now, but it’s possible my hate read with Kim was worth it. Jury’s still out. But you get the picture: Go for something that will enrapture your brain for hours. If that fails, write an email to Caroline already! You’ve been meaning to write to her for ages. No day like a blizzard for a nice, long electronic message that you can fill with all the stories that have flooded the past four months since you talked to her last. If that’s too much work, call mom.
10) Blizzard in Your Dreams. Wow, what a blizzard it’s been. Did you make your bed this morning? It’s very important at this time to get into a made-bed. It feels better. So, crawl inside, and start reliving Jonas, the best goddamn blizzard of your life, as you drift off to sleep. Picture plump flakes falling silently on top of inches of white below it. When you wake up at 10am on Sunday, guess what? You have so many snacks to eat! Because on Saturday, you were a Blizzard Champion. You went into Jonas prepared, and made it a snow storm you will never forget.