Artisanal Mountain Dew Is Real

Mountain-Dewshine

At some point during a conversation about Brooklyn, you might have been talking with a friend about artisanal products on the market. There’s an artisanal mayonnaise store. There’s an artisanal hot sauce store on the way. What’s next, you might have joked. Artisanal Slurpees? Artisanal Mountain Dew? Aha. Ahahaha. But as Brooklyn has proved again and again, that which sounds ridiculous is probably going to be real at some point. And so, artisanal Mountain Dew is real.

The good folks at Brokelyn tipped us off to this alarming development, in which Mountain Dew made from “real sugar” and “inspired by the brand’s roots in the backwoods of Tennessee” will be sold for $3.99 for a four-pack of longnecks.

And what is the major source of controversy over this ridiculous new beverage? It’s that the bottle looks too much like beer. “The line between alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages is intentionally being blurred by producers of both,” Michael Scippa, director of public affairs at the advocacy group Alcohol Justice, told USA Today. “Producers of high-sugar-content and high-alcohol-content beverages grow their markets by appealing to young people.”

Also, bottles are packaging code for “fancy” which is apparently what Mountain Dew is now. Pretty sure that “artisanal Mountain Dew no longer a joke” is one of the signs of the upcoming apocalypse. Pretty sure.

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