Valentine’s Day Gifts to Get You Laid or Loved

Valentine's Day Krampus

The most tyrannical of holidays is upon us: Valentine’s Day is just three days away. And while we are not ones to put too much stock in holidays in general, but this one specifically, maybe you are? Or maybe your partner is? In which case, you probably ought to get them a gift. And, of course, there are plenty of things to buy right now, and plenty of stores that have all sorts of suggestions for you, but, much like love, retail is a battlefield. You do not want to go shopping right now when you’re all trigger happy and wind up purchasing something that’s just ok. What a waste! So because we consider ourselves public servants of a sort, we’ve put together a fool-proof Valentine’s Day gift guide for you so that you don’t just wind up giving a box of Duane Reade chocolates and red carnations or something. You can do better. And we’ll help.

bouquet

Erica Weiner/Molly Oliver Flowers: So, yeah. Carnations. Gross. If you’re going to go the flower route, you’re going to want to do something special and unique. This is not the time to go get deli flowers. Rather, pre-order a gorgeous bouquet from Molly Oliver Flowers that you can pick up at Erica Weiner’s Boerum Hill boutique on Saturday. Your loved one will be receiving “a potent mix of seasonal beauties like Ranunculus, Anemone, Flowering Quince, and Tulips that are locally farmed and chemical free.” The bouquet shown above is $50, and you can get a bigger one for $75. And with your purchase of the flowers, you’ll also get a correspondingly priced gift card toward a purchase at Erica Weiner, who sells some of the loveliest jewelry in Brooklyn.

Pick-up on Saturday only between 12pm and 6pm. Details here.

Photo via Jonesy

Jonesy Undies and Bra: First, can we just say how nice it is that designer Rachel Jones uses the word “undies” instead of “panties” to describe her new line of underwear? IT’S VERY NICE. We kind of hate the word “panties.” It’s not as bad as “moist,” but it’s close! Anyway, even if Jonesy didn’t employ our favorite word for undergarments, we’d still recommend you give this set as a gift because we totally love it. This is the kind of stuff that women actually love to wear: simple and sexy and comfortable all at once. Plus! It’s reasonably priced and made in New York. It really doesn’t get any better.

jonesy-nyc.com

scotch

Scotch: Alcohol is always a welcome gift for the obvious reasons. This year, though, we can’t recommend highly enough that you get your loved one a bottle of scotch. Why? Well, we recently attended an excellent event called “Women of Letters” at Joe’s Pub, during which Stoya read aloud a letter to “the thing that vanished.” Her thing that vanished was a half-empty glass, but it was also a man, but it was also so much more. It was excellent. Anyway, one of the things that Stoya said while reading was that good scotch tastes kind of like testicles, smoky and sultry and warm and just different from anything else. We concur. So, you know, get your loved one some scotch for V-Day and see what you think.

Many varieties available at Juice Box Wine and Spirits

Marianne Faithfull

Beneath the Underdog Charles Mingus and Faithfull: An Autobiography Marianne Faithfull: Is there anything sexier than books? No. Duh. But these two autobiographies in particular are full of particularly salacious details, and also many, many recognizable names, making them even sexier than most books. Plus, they’re actually quite well-written, which is rare, so all the more appreciated, in celebrity autobiographies.

tote bag

Tote Bag from The New InquiryThis tote bag is a limited edition, sold on through February, Valentine’s Day celebration of misandry and you’ll be kicking yourself if you don’t take the opportunity to buy it now. We know, we know: Who needs another tote bag? Your loved one does. Because this tote bag is sick.

$30 at thenewinquiry.com

Catbird

Catbird x Parcel: Though not available till this evening, one of our favorite stores, Catbird, has teamed up with the company Parcel to offer three limited edition gift sets for (free!) delivery to customers in Brooklyn and Manhattan. The different gift sets include the following, and you can visit this link for purchase.

Sail On Silver Girl: Sterling Silver Rose Thorn Necklace, Limited Edition Kitten Travel Candle, jumbo sized Kitten matches, Catbird tote bag –  $104

Black Magic Woman: Limited Edition Black Diamond Chained to My Heart Earrings, Limited Edition Kitten Travel Candle, jumbo sized Kitten matches, Catbird tote bag –  $236

English Rose:  Rose Gold Chained to My Heart Diamond Necklace, Limited Edition Kitten Travel Candle, jumbo sized Kitten matches, Catbird tote bag – $304

And what would you name this little guy?

Name a Cockroach: And, you know, if none of these gifts do it for you, you can always name a cockroach after your loved one. Like diamonds, cockroaches last forever. Or something.



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