So Girls came back last night. And there are tons of things to discuss about the season four premiere: There was the jazz brunch, and the fact that Shoshanna’s parents are both named Mel, and the way Adam pretended to be asleep when Hannah went to say goodbye to him before she left for Iowa, and… no, actually, forget all that. There is really only one thing to discuss, and that is the fact that the first five minutes of Girls contained a scene in which Marnie got her ass eaten out—like, vigorously eaten out—by Desi, her folk-singing partner-in-crime-if-you-think-adultery-is-a-crime-and-I-don’t-not-really-but-will-make-an-exception-in-this-case-because-both-these-characters-suck-so-bad.
Anyway: Marnie got a rim job. Because Girls has never shied away from the type of sex scenes which most other shows tend to steer clear of, it really shouldn’t be that big a deal that this new season opens up with a little anal-lingual action. It’s 2015, you know? Should ass-play really be such a big deal? I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think so. I can’t even bring myself to care all that much about it in this case because, as it turns out, Allison Williams aka Marnie takes all the fun out of literally everything she does, whether it’s cross-dressing (see: Peter Pan) or singing Kanye or even getting her ass eaten out—three things which are arguably impossible to take all the fun out of. And yet Williams manages to do so. Impressive.
How, exactly, did she manage to make the act of getting a rim job so joyless? Well, admittedly, that lack of joy is not really apparent in the scene as played in the episode, rather it was in a New York magazine post about the “shocking sex scene” that Williams revealed herself to be as fundamentally uptight a character as the one she plays on TV. Williams tells New York that, in order to prepare for the scene, and because of her “wiring,” she “got some advice from [her] parents” (about how to get her ass eaten out, I guess?), then covered herself in “vanilla cream everywhere” so that she could smell like cake, and finally rigged up a contraption that “involved Spanx… menstrual pads and two of those weird thongs” in order to completely sanitize and MAKE BORING the inherently un-boring experience of faking an ass-motorboating session.
Which, look, all of those things—asking your parents for advice about filming a rim job-scene! having so many neuroses about your body’s smells that a shower’s not enough, only vanilla cupcake-scent will do! being the menstrual pad-MacGyver!—could potentially be interesting. But they’re not, because they’re all coming from the almost-too-earnest-to-be-believed-and-super-easy-to-conflate-with-her-Girls-character Allison Williams, who has proven once and for all that Marnie Michaels can ruin just about anything. Even rim jobs and Leonard Cohen.
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